Finally i had some decent rest..phew..its a sat & i slept til late noon..think been drainin my body too much..i hope i can hav more of days like this..juz sleep til watever time i wan..no need to go work..not thinkin or vexin abt anything..been sooo long since i can rest like this..work has been tedious & schedule has been hectic..well, all of us need to recharge ourselves once in a while isnt it..& i m glad tat i've the chance to do so..

The whole wk has been a bz one..cos of the overload of logs due to the holidays..but i've to say tat i m lucky to hav nice frens at work..they made work life much more enjoyable & most of the time i dun find goin to work a hassle..so i've been working hard on the logs..

Mon & Tue he wasnt in the mood to work..wanted to meet me but i was too tied down by work..so on Mon he ended up meeting wif tuatao for makan & games..Tue was wendy's bday..think cos of the tension of the quarrels he had wif his dad..me & his mum hav to do arrangements & plannin for dinner..so while rushing my work in office i was makin calls & smses to coordinate for the nite..so decided to hav dinner at Tampines..after work i went straight to Tamp & make reservations for 6 at Jack's Place..he went back to fetch his family & i waited for them at CS's Jacks Place..as expected both his & his dad's faces as solemn as ever..but me & the mum juz chatted within ourselves..after tat went back to his place & we had a cake-cuttin session for wendy..she was so happy to c the presents we gave her..& we all had an early xmas exchange tat nite..his mum was sweet to buy me a winnie the pooh storage case..i had always wanted to buy tat but cant bear to part wif the money haha..appreaciate his mum's thoughts..he slept quite early but i had a chat wif his mum in the living rm til quite late..i noe the mum also dunno wat to do wif him lah..there's always tension at home when things happen at work..sigh..

Wed was xmas eve..reached office immed can feel the joyous mood in the air..when i reached my desk i already saw alot of presents frm colleagues on my desk..awww so sweet of them..so whole morning most pple in office wasnt working..walking ard the office for xmas gift exchange & chattin..i only settled down & started on my work ard 11am..spent almost 2hrs skiving hahah..whole office was like tat..since lunch i heard pple frm other dept startin their xmas celebrations liao..was abit distractin but i've to force myself to work & complete my stuff in time..managed to finish all my stuff ard 5+..phew~ then its when the havoc starts..they were opening port wines & we all started drinkin & makin merry muahahahah..most of us drank til high..hee..we all had fun & i think were really noisy..but i think the whole office was in xmas mood so nobody cares..hahah..i had so so much fun in office that day.. =D

Ard 7+ he called asked me where i m..told him i m still in office..he asked if i wanna hav dinner wif his family for xmas..so i said ok..initially i was supposed to go to the lobster porridge place to meet them by myself..but 10mins later, he called..ask me to wait for him at Tampines instead said the dad decided to change place bcos of me (but i dunno how true was that lah) ended up pick me up at Tamp & went to Serangoon for hotpot..after tat he sent his family back hme & asked me if i've any plans in mind..i told him no cos no matter where we go sure packed..he kept askin if i've any place i wanted to go he'll acc me..but i really hav no cravin to go anywhere tat nite..so we decided that we'll go separate ways for the nite..he'll go meet tuatao they all & i go meet my gfs..he kept askin will i be angry if we dun spend the xmas eve together but i assured him i wont..i noe he has been stressed lately so i rather he spend some time wif his frens to chill out..& i can go hav fun wif my frens too..he said he still wish meet me after tat so passed me his hse keys for keepsake as we dunno wat time individual side events will end..

He sent me to St James to meet up wif eileen they all..dropped me & he went to meet tuatao they all straight i supposed..i met up wif eileen & vivien at Movida but subsequently suah to Boiler (i always like Boiler's music)..but eileen was quite drunk tat nite..Janice joined us after the movie & we were quite pissed off wif some patrons there..cos there were a few times when a few ah nehs tried to come near to us..argh..we juz want to hav some space by ourselves so we were abit harsh on them =P..left the place ard 4+..shared a cab wif Jan back to his place..i juz msged him told him i goin back cos i assumed he wont be back tat early if they r playin games at Katong..so i reached le..took a shower & concussed in bed..think i was too tired plus i had too much of drinks tat nite since office hrs..he called me using tuatao's phone ard 7 told me his hp batt flat & he's reachin home soon..but i was too tired plus abit of hangover i fell back to zzz after puttin down the phone..he reached hme took a shower..wanna wake me up for mac's breakfast but i was too tired to even keep my eyes open..next thing i noe, its 1pm in the afternoon..omg..

Woke up ard 1+ on xmas day..saw his watchin tv wif wendy in the living rm..had carrotcake for lunch then rot on the sofa wif them watchin tv too..watched Batman Returns on HBO..but still i prefer Christian Bale's version..esp Dark Knight was a classic..wif Heath Ledger..i watched the show twice but i dun mind a 3rd time hahha..after that his parents had BBQ for dinner so we all had a heaty dinner..he seemed more relax on tat day probably bcos it wasnt a working day..he was playin ard wif wendy thruout the dinner & even dragged me in..so ended up both of us had bruises over the arms cos went overboard..diaoz..after tat joined angie watchin Transformers on tv & that was another show i liked alot..Shia Labeouf is cute & Megan Fox is chio..the robots r cool too..durin the show he actually was leanin on my shoulder most of the time..which is so not him cos usually he's always so aloof & cold at hme..after we finished the show..went shower & went to bed..next morn he woke up wif a bad headache so took morn half off..ard lunchtime woke up & he drove me to bukit gombak for my appt & he left for office..

After my appt, went back home & went to Qetesh for facial hahah i noe i m pampering myself too much lately..but i think i've deprived myself too much for quite sometime..its time to pamper & love myself more..brought my mum there too..after tat reached hme watch tv til i dozed off on the sofa..ard 12 i received an sms frm an unknown no..asking me where i m & its frm him..told him i m at hme..he called sayin his hp batt flat again..told me he left his fren's wedding banquet & a few of them went Boat Quay for some drinks..said he wanted to go back hme but worried tat he cant wake up the next morn for work..asked me if he had spare casual clothes at my place so he can stayed over at mine for the nite..i told him he can try my brother's..then he ask me to wait up for him he'll be reachin in 30mins..so i ended up watching Arsenal & Aston Villa's match on tv wif my mama..she was so frustrated cos the ball possession most of the time was wif Aston Villa..hahah..she juz love Ars too much to accept that..but Ars scored & lead the game 1st..frm the way they r playin..i can say..that nite, Ars was damn heng & Aston Villa was suay..ahaha..cos i dun think Ars played well that nite..b4 the 1st half ends he reach my place..took a shower & went to bed..told me to wake him up early so we can go mac for breakfast..but i guessed most prob he cant de lah..he looked so tired..so i woke up slightly earlier & call mac delivery for breakfast..so when he is done changin & preparing to go work, the food come juz in time..so after breakfast he left for work & i went back to sleep til late noon hahahah..shiok to sleep late..

Actually i've been wondering, he has been wantin to eat Mac's breakfast so often lately was it bcos of me..cos i always like Mac breakfast (mayb cos it was the little time when i was young tat my dad will actually bring me out for mac breakfast)..cos he told me b4 tat he dun really hav the habit of eatin mac breakfast..but bcos of me he always brought me for mac breakfast during the initial courtship..mayb it was bcos of me, or mayb it was juz a habit out of the yrs being wif me..well i wont noe..& i dun think i wanna think too much abt tat..juz as long i noe he cares..sometimes like wat my frens said..he dun love me the way i wanted doesnt mean he dun love me..he's juz being a MCP & doesnt express well wif his words..come to think of it..if he dun love me, after being thru so much, he wont still be here le..sigh.mayb at this point of time i shouldnt think too much on anything..i juz need to heal frm the past & be a better person..

2008 is ending..only a few days left..2009 is approaching..i really look forward to 2009 cos it signify a new start..its enuf being so depressed & emo for the whole of 2008..enuf of torturing myself..i've wasted a whole yr being so low & depressed..this is juz so not me..not the XXJ i noe..its time to let go of the past & hav a new start..i hope the start of 2009 will be a turning point of my life..i dun wanna waste my time being upset & emo le..enuf is enuf..i realized alot of times nobody is makin me miserable, its my own thoughts that made myself so miserable for such a long time..I dun wanna b a helpless victim of my own thought,but rather a master of my own mind..i can control my mind de..i can discipline my thoughts..i m not so soft to let them control me de..tat phase i did lose control was bcos i became weak..no more of that weak Juan..i allow the weak Juan to stay weak for too long..i was the one who allow it to happen..but in fact i can actually control de..but i chose to let go of the reins & let my thought run wild ended up hurtin myself wif all those silly thoughts..i muz start regainin the strong me & start controllin my mind again..2009 shall indicates a new start..& this time round i muz do it..

Slept ard morn cos was watching HK drama..woke up ard 2+ had my lunch & has been wrapping xmas gifts til now..wanna take a break so came online & blog..hah..need to pin down stuff tat happened if not will forget abt them in time to come..

Last wk was a bz wk for me cos of the advancing logs period for the coming xmas..well, for the long holidays i think its worth it lah..last sat went to watch Bolt & find the dog damn cute hahha..thruout the whole show i was juz awww-ing non stop..after tat met up wif shir & xiaomei they all for mahjong but shir was super late haha..as for sunday,i actually spent the whole day rotting at hme..was abit disappointed when he dint call but managed to accept the idea that sometimes he juz wan time to fire gaze & rot by himself..ard late noon relatives came over & my hse was like a marketplace..after they left i was watchin Superman Returns & after that Love Actually on channel 5..i rem i used to like the show Love Actually alot..bcos of the story thats simple yet encouraging..i've lost faith in love & r/s so watching this kinda show was actually quite heart-warming..

But i think due to the insufficient sleep over wkend i overslept on mon..was late for work & in a daze thruout the day..but basically was juz workin & workin..cos too much work to b done..for mon & tue both nites he worked late & by the time he called me i m already reaching hme..he oso went hme straight after work..so i start to think wah since wkend we havent meet..4 days le..doesnt he feel like meeting me? but try to curb the tots cos think he was really tired so i juz went ahead do my own things..i managed to pack my drawers & hope to squeeze out time soon to start tidying my wardrobe as CNY is approaching soon le..i need to get my room tidy up b4 mum starts complainin..

Wed as usual i went to work slightly late..whole morn crappin wif foo they all while working..time pass faster like this..til knock off time juz when i decided not to b waitin for someone's call & go do my own things, he called..asked me wat i'll b doin for the nite told him i wanna go buy things..then he said that he had 2 free tickets for the movie The Day The Earth Stood Still asked me if i interested in watching..i told him if free tickets why not..so agreed to meet at TM for the 7+ show..ard 7 he called me said tat he'll be slightly late as he cannot find parking lots so asked me to collect the tickets frm the counter 1st..at that time i realized those were not free tickets, he booked the tickets online..hmm..was pondering y he cant juz tell me tat he bought the tickets himself..was it juz a prank or he juz being MCP..anyway went in to watch the show..the plot wasnt really fantastic..but Keanu Reeves is shuai~ hahah..after the show juz left TM & went back to his place..nothing much..but b4 sleepin he told me tat he had a quarrel wif his dad at work..but i dint noe the details cos he dint say much..sigh..

Thur as usual late for work..WTH i've been late for work consecutive 4days!! gonna get warning soon if this continues..argh..but lately juz feel so tired to get out of bed every morning..think nowadays whenever i drain my body too much over the wkend spending nites not sleeping the repercussions come in next few days..signs of aging lah haiz..worked slightly late on thur & he called me again ard 6+ askin if wanna watch movie Ip-Man..i was like wah its been so long we went for any date & so surprised tat he asked me out for movies consecutive 2 nites..so decided to go for the show cos i had wanted to watch this show..Donnie Yen is really good as the character Ip-Man..i enjoyed the show more than previous day cos the whole show was really good..after tat we left the building & i realized tat he drove co lorry instead of his car..so asked him y..he said angie borrowed his car to sch so he drove ah fai's lorry..after that he told me tat he quarrelled wif his dad again..& he feel really tired & vexed..actually at tat moment of time i was thinking..is this the reason y he asked me for movies consecutive 2 days..mayb juz wanted time away frm work & his dad..but decided not to let my thoughts run too wild & be there for him..he said he dun feel like goin back hme..so i suggested goin over my place..he seemed so vexed yet i dunno wat to do to make him feel better..felt lousy at that moment..reached my place he juz had 2 cans of beers & went to zzz..haiz..in the end we dint really talk abt anything..

Fri morn woke up went to work..after tat dint hear frm him & i worked OT til ard 9+ that nite..called him & he told me later will be meetin overseas cust so i noe i wont b hearin frm him soon liao..initially planned to go back hme & rest early then shir msged me..so met up wif her at AMK hub to buy dinner then head to her sis place at Bukit Batok..her sis went holidays wif the hubby so shir has to go over & feed the 2 dogs, Dexter & Roxy..went there saw the dogs & Roxy gav birth to a few puppies..its been soooo long since i c puppies that r so young..went to touched & played wif them for awhile n felt really gd abt it..i juz love puppies & the feeling of seeing new born puppies is juz so miracle its so hard to describe tat feeling..after tat juz nuah on the sofa & dozed off til 5am in the morn!! i think i was too tired to realized tat..shir woke up ard the same time & she sent me back hme..reached my block had a short rest & chatted til ard 7 then i went back hme feeling so damn tired.had a shower then drop dead on bed ard 9..

Woke up ard 12+ on sat decided not to spend the whole day at home..went to CWP for xmas shoppin & i think i spent quite alot =( after tat called up Qetesh to book appt for facial & pedicure..went hme after shoppin for dinner then head straight to Qetesh for my appt..i dozed off during the facial treatment hahaha..after tat did the pedicure & lady boss chose a color tat i nv tried b4 hehe..tat nite juz nice her maid brought her baby gal over to the shop & i had a fun time playin wif the bb while doin pedi..she's such a friendly & bubbly baby tat the slightest thing we do she chuckles..i almost forgot that he dint contact me the whole day when i packed my day wif doin my own stuff..ard 8 then angie msged me tellin me tat they r having co event..i dint wan to say much cos i noe tat whenever its work i noe i'll b neglected..so juz pamper myself the whole day wif things i wanna do..felt quite gd actually..after tat head hme took a shower & started watching tv..he called me ard 12+ midnite..tellin me he's at hme havin some co event think was BBQ or wat i dint ask..told me he was abit drunk..asked me y were i lookin for him hrs ago cos i called him after my facial but no ans..he said he juz saw my missed call then i told him nothin much..told him i m at hme & he said he was too..i was abit sian so i told him tat he dint tell me abt the event how would i noe where he is..he said was too bz tat it slipped off his mind..sigh..then he asked if i wanna meet him i told him no cos i m comfortably in my bed liao..then we hung up the phone..was abit affected but juz decided not to think abt it & continue my tv marathon til morn..

Slept til quite late today but still feeling tired..later still gotta finish the few discs that mum rented so she can return to the vcd shop on mon..as usual on sundays he should be at hme restin so no news frm him yet & i decided to juz let it be..at times will think that last time he used to wan c me everyday..but now not like last time le..he's more focus on his own stuff..sigh..but i think i better dun think too much juz do my own things i'll feel much happier..well, mayb i need to think abt some stuff le bah..sigh..but well gotta tide over my bz pre-holidays work schedule 1st b4 i do anything..jiayou bah..tml will b start of a new wk..cheong in work~will be starting of a new yr soon..hope 2009 is a better one no matter in wat aspects of my life..

Was chatting wif HuiJun on msn..was saying that 2008 has been a bad yr for me & i m glad i survived..she asked me to list 10 things i achieved in 2008..i cannot do it..so she list for me..this is so funny..hahah..see wat she listed for me.. =P

The 10 achievements that HuiJun listed for me~hahaha

1st: finally not regret abt XX
2nd: u learned to doll up more

3th: u realised being with XXXX make u more emo

4th: u still can eat alot

5th: u make new frens - huijun n queenie

6th: u realise tt crying in a bus is stupid

7th: u realise the importance of the positive thinkings

8th: u still can win in mahjong

9th: u still can mix ard well with ur colleagues

10th: U can learned and be the one u wan to be

Went to Andy Lau's concert last nite..he's fantastic! i enjoyed myself thruout the whole concert..
I wan an Andox plush~ hahaha..

Had a long wkend cos of the hari raya holiday..met up wif PY last wed..for dinner & la kopi..missed the meetups wif her..by the time i reach hme almost 12 le..hahah..

Thur worked late..he called ard 6+ tellin me he leaving office..but i juz continue to work..called me again ard 7+ told me he meetin Borg to discuss some stuff..then i juz told him go ahead i goin back to work..he reacted in a way which i nv expect..he said "muz so fast put down cannot chat awhile ah?" hmmm quite not him..so chatted wif him for a short while..nothing much asked where me & PY went the nite b4 and how come i m working late..but halfway thru the chat Stanley actually walked past & teased me sayin "work lah dun talk on the phone" then he say nvm ask me go work..hahah i dunno whether i should scold or thank Stanley..after tat left office ard 8+ went TM to buy dinner & while waitin in the queue an Indian guy tried to strike a conversation wif me & asked for my no..i rejected & sms Janice & Yong to tell them abt it and as i expected they had a real gd laugh!

Fri was a rush day at work for me..cos of the long wkend we've to close more logs..but i managed to finished everythin ard 7+ & left office..was still wonderin how come he dint contact me for the whole day & he called frm office..told me he still in office asked me where i m..told him i m at Tamp then he said called me back later..so i went ahead to do my stuff & ard 8+ he called again..asked me if i goin anywhere later i said no then ask him wanna meet mah..he said ok but he sick & tired goin hme..so ended up i da bao to his place & slept early that nite..

He's supposed to wake up at 7 on sat but he asked me to wake him up at 630 so i guessed he might hav wanted to bring me for Mac's breakfast..but frm my guessed i noe its not possible to wake that heavy sleeper up de..so i tried once ard 6.40 he dint wake up i juz let him sleep til 7+..after tat i went hme & after a shower i was bored so i continued wif Heroes S3..watched til ep 8 finally noe wat teh hell they r talking abt..cos S2 was a flop & early eps of S3 were in a mess..took a 2hr nap after lunch & decided to join pet society cos HuiJun was so so strongly recommending it haaha..& thanks to her i found another way to pass time..& the game is soo cute..was playin wif it til i really forgot how fast time flies..cos when he called me at 7+ i dint realized the timing at all..told me he juz left office so we met up for dinner..had dinner at the place beside SIM for 纸包鸡..after that head back to wdls & he asked me wat i wanna do..i asked if he wanna go for a movie he said ok..but after tat i changed my mind cos i c him still feeling unwell..but still he insisted to go for the movie but he wanna rest awhile in the car..so i went to guardian to buy med for him..back to his car he already dozed off..seein him like tat i juz let him sleep..while i played my hp games..while waiting a actually broke my game record! this is funny..he only woke up after hrs & asked how come i dint wake him up to go movie..well,i dunno izzit bcos i m understanding or i juz feel guilty to drag him watch movie when he's feelin tired & sick so i decided to let him sleep for hrs without disturbing him..after tat i feel tired & juz decided to go home..

Sunday was my cousin's wedding dinner at Mt Faber..i woke up in the afternoon..played & chatted wif HuiJun on Pet society til late noon then i started getting ready..she said i muz dress up nice & pretty hee..initally wasnt in the mood cos of the strain that my parents were hoping him to go for the dinner wif us but he dint wish to..but decided not to think abt it..juz doll up & go for the occasion..reached the place & saw alot of pple whom i've seen b4 but cant rem their names..i m like wearing a mask when talking to them..pple praised that im gettin prettier & a guai daughter but for me the only thing that i was hopin frm the praises was for my mum to feel proud..i noe how much injustice my mum suffered when she was younger frm this side of relatives..so i told myself i muz be a daughter that can make her proud in front of these pple..& i think i did well..
During the wedding, i realized that i m not looking forward to getting married at all..& worse i do feel a little fear abt this issue..wats wrong wif me..to hav lost faith & hope in this..i hope i can regain the faith in time to come & be happily married then..

After the dinner, uncle ah bee & uncle ah lam jio dad for karaoke & drinks..their wives oso urged my mum to go..so as their daughter i followed them along cos i noe my mum will b bored i can be there to acc her & my dad wil get drunk if i dun help him wif the drinks..ended up at Shenton Way ktv..& i think i drank more than 10 mugs of beer..i lost count after the 8th mug i think..he dint msged me the whole day til ard 1am askin me how was the dinner?probably he was afraid of my parents asking him to join thats y he waited til that hr to contact me..sigh..told him the dinner was ok & me wif dad they all for drinks..he said he's watching tv & cant get to sleep juz like the nite b4..i told him to get some rest & went back to my drinks..ard 3+ he msged me again asked me where i m..but i only saw the msg half hr later so replied him that i m still outside wif them..after tat no reply frm him oso dunno izzit he dozed off or wat but i was quite high at that pt of time liao..reach hme forced myself to bathe & concussed straight on bed wif my hair still wet..that was 6am..duh..

Slept til 2+ in the afternoon..woke up feeling groggy cos of the late nite yesterday & the dunno how many mugs of beer i drank..decided not to waste my day rottin at home so went to rebond my hair..chose a neighbourhood saloon cos cheaper than the usual Kimage i went to..msg him to tell him but he dint reply until 5+ told me he was sleepin & watchin tv now..that he msged me ard 3+ last nite cos he cant get to sleep..hmm was wondering wat can i do to help the nite b4 actually..when i m outside wif my relatives..asked him to rest well since its a holiday then i went on wif my rebonding session..

Reached hme juz in time to watch the last ep of 心晴大动员 hosted by Christopher Lee & Quan Yi Feng..ended up crying while watching the show..not only i emphatize wif the pple in the pgm, i oso felt damn guilty for not makin much effort to make my life better despite my having more than them..they r such strong warriors fightin the obstacles in their lives..i really really hope that i m courageous enuf to start afresh soon..the past has no power over us..the past is over & done..it doesnt matter how long we've had a neg pattern, the point of power is in the present moment..i need to choose to release the past & forgive everyone,myself included..i may not noe how to forgive, n may not want to forgive, but the very fact that i said im willin to forgive begins the healin process isnt it..it is imperative for my own healing tat i release the past & forgive everyone..well i noe easier said than done..but i muz force myself to kick bad habits rite..

Oh ya got to talk wif HuiJun lately..who say EX's ex cannot be frens?hahahha..we can click quite well cos i think somehow we've similar personalities..but she's much more positive than me in life..she said that she's goin to be my mentor in healing heehee..& shared wif me alot things frm the past..well, pple may not seem as wat they r even though u might hav known them for many yrs..haiz..anyway, its over..i had a really bad 2008 when i spent most of my time in pain, tears, anger, hatred & all neg stuff..i hope that 2009 can be a fresh start for me..& a better year..jiayou!

This is how i look like on sunday before i went for cousin's wedding..keke..

Did a personality juz now..tis is the result..

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Dint sleep well last nite..woke up after 3hrs of sleep cannot get back to sleep le..was bored so went up to my blog & started reading entries frm the past..got damn affected cos i realized that i used to hav happy memories that i pinned down in my posts..but recently no more..all my entries r depressing..i realized i only blog when i feel depressed nowadays..i no longer hav happy entries..cos i feel that good things wont last..when i started this blog i wanted so much to pin down everything in my life..be it good or bad..but why izzit that now everything i c in this blog is negative..til a point that i think whoever fren reading my blog will worry for me..

I tried to put the blame on him..for not showing enuf affection..but when i calmed down & ponder abt it..i realized he did put in his effort in his own ways..might not be the way i wanted, but def he's doin something..so y m i still feeling unhappy? somehow or rather i think of the core value & philosophy in my life tats making me feel this way..since young my mum shaped my value this way.."when good things happen to me, i start getting defensive, will try not to be too happy abt it, in case something bad happens, i can take it" but wif this thinking, i noe i'll nv be happy..recent spates of events grew my this value even more..when i come to realization, i noe i can no longer put the blame to anyone..i noe there's a prob wif me, wif my values in life..& the fact that i m aware of the probs lie wif me, i feel frustrated wif myself..i can nv be happy this way isnt it..how long do i wan to continue this way? is there anything i can do wif my values now? was chatting wif her over the phone ended up crying cos i was so frustrated & angry wif myself..the frustrations r not towards anyone else but me myself!..why izzit i noe where the probs r & i m not doin anything abt it..

Reached home kanna as a venting object by mum again..she dint cook dinner so i decided to have cup noodles & i m perfectly fine wif the idea..but when she noes i wanted to settle dinner by cup noodles she started saying things like "dun think i dunno that in ur mind u muz be thinking how come i dint cook", "muz be thinking how come ur mother is like tat useless dun cook rite", etc.. hello i dint even say a word other than greeting my parents when i reached hme..i m really so tired after 10+hrs of work & the almost 2hrs travelling back..i juz wan to hav a quick dinner & rest tats all..

all along no matter how much she takes me as a venting object (even she herself admitted cos i nv retaliate), no matter how much my frens tell me that i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, i juz tell myself that she's my mum & i'll juz giv in to her..ever since i can rem, think frm kindergarten, i nv talk back to her, nv quarrel wif her..no matter how often she rant at me juz bcos my dad or brother made her angry & i became the target of her vent, i'll juz keep quiet & let her say all the nasty things even though i've done nothing at all..shir & jan said i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, & i m doin her harm cos actually when someone juz keep on ranting neg stuff the person dun feel good either..i really dunno..but somehow i juz dun bear to raise my voice at her cos i noe how much hardships she went thru bcos of my dad..

Today, i think i did slightly retaliate..i told her "nobody said anything abt u not cooking, its all ur own imagination tat anyone ever said that" think she was taken aback oso..i dint mean it but i've to let her noe that no one is complainin abt her not cooking tonite..why does she always hav to feel that the whole family is not satisfied wif her..i think mayb its the genes..in my family, pple like to think neg stuff to make ownself suffer..

I really wan her to b happy..stop being so neg & always think at the neg stuff..i noe i dun hav any right to say her cos i m a neg freak myself at this point of time..but i really hope she can do it..i m always the guai daughter at home..no matter wat happens i'll try my best not to make her worry, i nv throw tantrums at her, i let her vent her frustrations on me whenever my father or brother do things to make her angry..i really dunno wat else i can do le..alot of times really feel so 委屈 that i feel like crying..she'll nv rant at my brother so everytime he does something that upset her i noe i'll kanna in due course..when i was young, i admit i was jealous of my brother..why is it that my mum dotes on him so much tat no matter wat he does she'll nv scold him..but as i grow up i think i came to compromise wif this already..but somehow i still get hurt when she throw tantrums at me when he made her angry..i dun feel the jealousy anymore but i still can feel the hurts inflicted on me everytime she say nasty things or throw tantrums at me when i did not do anything at all..

I m secretly hurting in my room now..i dun feel like telling anyone at this moment..but i need to let it out..so blogging become my alternative..sigh..pathetic soul..
I better go get a gd rest tonite & wake up fresh tml..dun wanna end the nite shitty so think i better adjust my mindset..cos i m XXJ..i can handle anything de..

Oh ya..better rem wat moquack has been reminding me to do..look into the mirror & say
1) I m pretty (10x)
2) I m happy (10x)
3) I m strong (10x)
I noe it sounds silly..but if it helps me feel better..why not? =P

I've to control my emotions & discipline my mind..Why do i always for nothing let my mind run wild..Its NOT healthy for me at all! Why do i always like to think of negative stuff & make myself so miserable..Is self-pity my habit?? If i assume that every problem in my life is a lesson to make me stronger then i'll nv feel like a victim isnt it?? How foolish for me to punish myself in the present moment bcos someone hurt me in the long-ago past!

Sometimes i really dun feel like talking to anybody abt wat thoughts i've running in my mind anymore..cos i find myself a nuisance..even though i believed that a real listener hears me even when i keep quiet..Why m i so cynical, skeptical & perssimistic always..Do i believe that an advantage of habitual perssimism is to protect one frm genuine despair? Am i such a true cynic that expects nothing more frm life than confimation of my disappointments?

I think alot things r only lovable when we've conquered bitter disappointments in them..
Sufferings indeed strengthens.........strengthen the strong la! am i strong enuf to tide thru everything?

Had a chat with Jas over msn..she told me abt an incident regarding her admin gal..her admin gal is a woman who divorced twice..recently got a new bf & brought him to their company dinner..& to Jas surprised, the guy is her gf's husband!! WTH!! that guy is married to Jas fren yet now went to a company dinner as someone else bf!! knn!! now Jas in dilemma dunno whether to tell her gf anot..she said sometimes ignorance might be a bliss..She went to ask her gf how's her marriage..Her gf told her that the husband always very busy..go home only once or twice a week..rest of the time he working & sleeps in office!! but in fact the guy is actually quite free, always go meet admin gal for lunch lah go stay over her place!! having an affair is already wrong..this is worse than an affair!! he's not really goin home for the wife & already dare to introduce himself openly as another woman's bf!! this is more than an affair already its starting of a relationship!! WTF!! why cant men juz be faithful & good to the wife..why muz they go out & fool around..They nv thought of their wives' feelings at all!! grrrrrrr!!

Frens, if ever one day my future husband is being unfaithful to me..pls tell me..cos i believed that i rather noe the truth & leave a heartless man than being blissfully ignorant abt his affair outside..

Winson saw my name on msn & asked me how i am lately..he's in US now..should be missing his wife alot..told me that his fren saw his ROM pics & said that i m pretty & we both concluded that my photos r deceiving..hahahah..Kun said the same thing to me oso..said his fren said my pic on FB & commented i pretty..but Kun told him straight in the face that its deceiving hahahah..omg..my buddies really noe me well isnt it.. =D ok i should have more self-confidence~

I scorched my hand yesterday morning..a stupid reason for the accident though..grrr..i got 4 blisters on my right hand & i cant even hold a pen n write..the pain was so bad that i felt like crying..but the moment i tot of the featured pgm i watched the nite b4 abt this lady who met with a freak accident & lost all her 4 limbs but still carry on living life gracefully, i told myself i have no right to cry over such small issue.."有什么好哭的，烧到手而已嘛" at least i still hav my limbs..i can still feel pain & i can still heal..i forced myself to go to work..bear with the pain & did everything wif my left hand & i survived thruout the day..the feeling is very good..to noe that i m actually strong & handling everything well..

I watched a featured pgm abt this lady who lost all her limbs after a freak accident..She was so down but she managed to survive thru the phase..she live her life strong & positive..i really salute her for her courage & attitude towards life..she said when she was out on streets pple gav her stares as if she's some kind of monster (inconsiderate Singaporeans!), but she'll look back at them & smile..cos she's brave to face it..i feel so ashamed,cos when i get stares frm strangers on streets the 1st tot tat came to me is "is there something wrong wif my face?is my dressing weird today?" but i nv took it in a positive way..pple might b staring cos i look good? (thick-skinned hahah) she's so brave & positive in life given her condition now..wat am i to feel depressed over wat happened..wat i went thru for the past yr is NOTHING compared to wat she went thru..so i told myself, wake up the idea, i muz live life strong & positive..i've no right to feel depressed over small matters..there r so many less fortunate pple ard, i should cherish & count my blessings..

Met moquack at CWP when i reached..when to buy medication for my hand..got a cheap $3.50 gel frm chinese medical hall..had a chat abt life & some recalls of the past..both of us were amazed by how strong a person i used to be (we chatted abt how i survived the illness when i was 17) & moquack almost wanted to strangle me saying that i managed to survive such an ordeal many yrs back how can i let myself fall so low for the past few mths bcos of r/s issues?? n by recalling the past i really felt that i was so bloody strong in mind then..so i told myself..nothing minor is gonna bring me tat down again..i muz really find back that me..i noe i've been saying that so quite sometime..but somehow i think that featured pgm & the recalls of the past somehow is like a wake-up call..knock some senses into my head..i m gonna take control of my life again..i will & i can do it..the whole of yesterday i was handicapped on my right hand, alot pple offer to help me stuff be it at work or after work..but i insisted to do everything myself even though it was tough..moquack said i m stubborn but somehow i feel good to be able to do things all by myself not relying on anyone..that was the old me isnt it? i m gonna keep this going until it becomes a habit juz like tha old me..its such a good feeling~hee..

Juan is goin to live everyday positively..smile more..worry less..take control of my life..i can do it & i will do it.. =D

I m in a freaking state of PMS-ing..i feel bloated..i feel lethargic..i feel the emotions thingy out of control again..why why why~ i hate this feeling..as if like i've no control over myself..i snapped at the taxi uncle who gave us attitude few days back (which i think scared Jan & Yong who were in the same cab wif me)..i snapped at a guy who tried to ask me out for concert..i snapped when i noe there r last min pull-outs at work on friday..i snapped at almost everything! argh izzit my problem or i m juz plain PMSing? will everything be back to normal in a few days time? i feel murderous & will kill the next person stepping on my toe..

I dun wan to be emotional..i hate this feeling! the more emotional i get, the lesser control i have over things..& this is so true..I need to be able to live wihout something in order to have it..Once i can let go of alot stuff, i m in a greater position of greater power..Why do i let feelings of insecurities hit me again! grrrr! for instance, he calls me everyday right after work, meet up wif me almost everyday, nothing is wrong, but still i feel insecure..I think he's right at times, he said alot times he really dunno wat to do to make me feel better..i agree wif him too..actually i do enjoy my time wif him,nothing happen but i juz will get struck by tinge of insecurities super easily..i feel myself so screwed up emotionally..i hope Jan is right..things will start get better when the PMS symptoms subside..i m still waiting..

Things being in a constant state of change, i need a healthy attitude towards letting go of old things & embracing the new..To create a healthy flow, i've to let go of stuff i dun wan..this applies to habits, old clothes, junk in the closet, unhappy memories & the list goes on..I need to let go of all the stuff i dun wan, wont use & dun need! I think my greatest problem is holding on to things that i dun wan or dun need & memories that caused me pains..i dun need them! but y m i holding on to them! my frens r right..i m somehow too stubborn to let go of things..which at the end of the day i m the only one suffering..nobody else will suffer if i hold grudges, feel angry, not forgiving, etc..i m the ONLY one suffering..& sad to say i brought these sufferings upon myself isnt it? Foo told me that day, life's too short to get unhappy & brood over past unhappiness..i know~ i really know~ but i juz dunno how to start doing it..one day i may feel perfectly fine & happy wif life, another day even nothing happens i'll sink into depressed mode..is this typical gemini character?

Actually our lives is a reflection of ourselves, the more love & beauty that we perceive, the more we r growing & the more we r becoming..So i need to instill more positive thoughts into my mind to replace the negative ones..i need to..i need to..

Jan got a book named "His needs Her needs" I juz read the content page & find it quite interesting..will get the book frm her after she finished reading..

Contents

1) How affair-prove is ur marriage?
2) Why ur love bank never closes
3) The 1st thing she cant do without - Affection
4) The 1st things he cant do without - Sexual Fulfillment
5) She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
6) He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational Companionship
7) She needs to trust him totally - Honesty
8) He needs a good-looking wife - An Attractive Spouse
9) She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial Support
10) He needs peace and quiet - Domestic Support
11) She needs him to be a good father - Family Commitment
12) He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration
13) How to survive an affair
14) From incompatible to irresistable

Juz had a shower..feeling quite tired..havent been sleeping well lately cos of the toothache..went to see the dentist last fri..took x-ray & checked but no tooth decay..dentist said 2 possibilities causing the toothache..one might be bcos of me grinding teeth too much when i sleep which caused pressure on the tooth, another is due to recent sinus infection that affects the connected nerve..both is possible cos i do grind teeth when i sleep esp when i m stressed or tired & i juz had a sinus infection nt too long ago..prescribed me wif some painkillers asked me to observe & go back review in 2wks time..i m finishing the painkillers but the pain dun seem to go away..grrr..

Past few wks been bz at work..more logs wif lesser time to do..but think i m still managing fine..well, i survived mr foo's 3wks reservice period wat is this to me..hahah..he better not see this post if not i can predict him say "ok, 20 logs for u this wk~" keke..think i m much more efficient when i m not chatting on msn or skepe.. =P

Hmmm..its been 2wks since we back on talking terms..initially i was already on the verge of letting go le..i stopped calling & msging him..when he called, we dun really talk..when he initiate to meet i dint wan to..i thought this would be the last straw for us..cos no matter how hard he tried i juz seemed to shield everything..i m juz too drained & tired abt everything..until that sunday..he tried so hard to get me out to meet up..eventually i soften & agreed to meet up..his attitude towards me soften & changed a fair bit..the moment he saw me he hugged me real tight & sayang me like how he used to be when i m sick (actually i was still sick when we met lah) told me he missed me alot for the past few wks when we did not see each other..actually at that point of time i dint noe how to react..think i reacted still quite cold to him..sigh..after tat,everyday he'll call me & chat wif me after work..somethin that he hasnt been doin for the past 1yr..oso try to meet up more wif me..last wkend he even initiated bring me out for a movie..went to watched CONNECTED at downtown east..tat was our 1st date this year!!! felt quite nice actually..and he actually cooked porridge for me on sunday..been quite sometime since he cooked for me..all along i thought that we can never go back to the same again..esp after so many things happened..cos i feel insecure really easily & no faith in relationship..still trying out but dunno wat to expect..shall see how things go..

I rem during one of our talks last wk..we both realized that both have been unhappy in this r/s for the past half yr..he told me that there were a few times he had the thought "要不然一次过痛啦" to let go of me..but he juz 放不掉..actually i m the same isnt it? so many times i told myself to let go, start afresh, but eventually i'll soften..L is right,i do hav soft spot for this man..but can i still take it if anything were to happen again? i oso dunno..but i noe everytime things happen, the shield built is thicker & higher..wont be ez to break the shield..seems like he's trying & i m too..i hope i can cos i dun wanna be cynical towards men & relationship..

Recently, i tried to be less attached to anything be it him or wat & i realized tat i m getting better..when one is not too attached to anything, life's much easier..i dun do stupid things due to paranoid & he dun do funny things to make me anyhow think..life's like normal..when he knock off he'll call me straight, tell me wat he's doin & alot times will initiate to meet up wif me..when we meet up we'll talk abt wat happened during the day even though juz the gist of it..at times he'll try to tease me..everythin seems ok..but i m abit scared..cos i dunno how long this will last..the negative side of me keeps wanna pop out..i think there's still a part of me couldnt let go of the hurtful period i juz went thru..so even things r good,i'll keep thinking abt the things that happened during tat period of time & get upset..i noe this is not healthy holdin on to unhappy past..but i juz cant seem to let it go..i noe it can be done, but i dunno how to start..mayb its my mind state tat determines..when im in better state, things will juz fall back in place..

Read a number of quotes frm books recently..find a few really meaningful & i hope to learn frm them n to start changing my life..i really had enuf of the low & negative me..even though i feel that i m starting to get better as compared to the past few mths,but i think the progress is too slow..when its too slow,i can be easily throw back into the low phase again if anything happens..so i kept those quotes in mind & try to remind myself how to get better..

Some quotes i read from books:

* Usually,the best place to make a new start is where u r! Before changing ur address,consider changing ur thinking! When u change,ur situation changes.It is law.

* We all fail.But it's not failing that hurts.What hurts is knowing u dint give ur best.

* The moment u get too attached to things,people,money...You screw it up! The challenge of life is to appreciate everything & attach urself to nothing.

* Next time u r upset,remember it's not so much pple who make u angry,as ur thoughts abt them.
Whatever thoughts r causing u pain,they r only thoughts.You can change a thought.

* The more emotional u r abt things,the less control u have.

* Where did we get the idea tat if we dun forgive pple, they suffer?! (i like this one cos i think i've been harbouring alot anger & hatred in my heart for too long)

* Bcos we r always attracting the learning experiences we need,we often attract wat we fear.
If u fear loneliness,u'll attract tat. If u fear embarrassment,u'll fall on ur face.
It's life's way of encouraging us to grow.The only way to beat fear is to face it.

* When ur body hurts,pain reminds u to take a rest,or maybe to change ur shoes or to find a better way.
When ur mind hurts,pain reminds u to quit worrying or to be more forgiving,or to think in a different way

* The happiest pple dun worry too much abt whether life is fair or not.They juz get on with it.

* If u think the world is against u,it is.Blaming other pple doesnt work.
When u fight life,life always wins.

* If there is something in ur life u dun wan,stop worrying abt it & stop talking abt it!
The energy u put into it keeps it alive.Withdraw ur energy & it will likely go away.

* To see things differently,u dun need willpower,self confidence or brain surgery.You juz need the courage to think the unfamiliar.Ur beliefs determine ur quality of life.

* Nature seeks balance,n u cant be desperate & balanced.Life doesnt have to be an endless struggle.Let things flow.

* Simplify ur life.Quit doing things out of habit.Eliminate some of the garbage frm ur routine so u can see ur path more clearly.

* Ur life is a perfect reflection of ur beliefs.When u change ur deepest beliefs abt the world,ur life changes accordingly.

* Start everyday with an intention to be balanced & peaceful.Some days u'll cruise thru until bedtime, and some days u wont make it past breakfast.
If peace of mind is ur daily goal,u'll get better & better.

* The law of the seed: effort + patience = results.
U reap ur harvest after u do the work.

* If u dunno wat u like doing,maybe u stopped listening to urself years ago.
Many of us become different pple in order to please everyone else.

* When life is sweet,n that little voice says: "It cant last!" Tell urself: "Maybe its abt to get better".

* Peace of mind doesnt come frm having less problems - it comes frm being less critical!

* Loving pple means giving them freedom to be who they chose to be & where they chose to be.
Love is allowing pple to be in ur life out of choice.

* In order to have something in ur life & keep it - whether it's a job or a relationship - u have to be comfortable with it.

* To find,u have to seek.
If u've lost ur life direction,u probably wont find it between drinks at the local bar.
Give urself a break,give urself some time & space to examine what counts for u.

Company had corporate event yesterday 10/10/08..Theme is The Toughest Race after TARA3..well,judging fr the theme we noe its not ez job haha..all of us will be arranged in team of 6 pple & we wont noe the name list til b4 we set off for the event..

Went to work in the morn clearing my mon EA1 & PH logs..got them done by 11.15 & lunch (BurgerKing) came in ard 11.30 hehe..saw the name lists..there r Victor, Angeline, Christine, Jorshlin, Aaron & me..ermm other than aaron i dunno the rest of them! omg! was abit worried cos dint noe how well i can click wif the rest..teamwork is very impt for the event..Foo consoled me ask me not to think too much..juz relax & enjoy the games later..

Got changed & headed down to the lobby to gather..saw my team members n find them familiar (juz cant call out who is who hahah) Victor is frm HongKong & leading our team..Hippo bus came & pick us up to destination Sentosa..On the way when i saw the glaring sun i noe jialat liao,sure become roasted pig..saw Cheryl in bus & both of us decided to apply more sunblock lotion hahah..reached Sentosa ard 2 saw the weather feel like juz faint straight & drop out of the game haha..its was freaking hot..but Victor tried to encourage us..telling us even we dun aim for No.1 at least dun be the last team..so we all decided to do our best~

The host gav out instructions for the game & after Ricky's speech we started the game..Team leaders r supposed to burst balloons to get the clues inside the balloon for our next station..the 1st balloon tat he got was "Sorry pls try again" omg we almost fainted..2nd attempt for the balloon was fruitful..we got an alphabet puzzle & got the clue 'Palawan Beach'..headed there & saw marshals..the task was to fill up a waist-tall barrel filled wif small hole to the brim frm the sea water wif a small red pail..Victor did the tough job of fetching the water & the rest of us responsible to block the holes not letting the water leak out..we try to find alot stuff on the beach to try block the holes..but it wasnt enuf..we oso used the ponchos given to stuff the holes..& towards the end all of us used our hands, knees, etc to juz block the holes! i was drenched even its only the 1st station..we managed to complete the task & got the clue for the next station..

We got the ans & it lead us to the 'Songs of the Sea'..At this station there r 80 paddle locks locked to chains & there's a box wif 100 keys (20 keys r not even the ones that can open the locks!) so the rest 80 diff keys to 80 diff locks! gosh! we've to unlock 3 locks within the given time & only 3 of us can try at the same time..i think i was the lucky charm for the team hee..i unlocked 2 locks & out of the 2 locks i managed to unlocks within total of 10 attempts! even the marshals said that i m lucky..i replied "i think i was a professional thief in my past life =P"

After that we got the clue that lead us to the Luge ride..we've to take the thing up, take the Luge ride down,along the way down there'll be boards showing numbers & maths signs..we've to get the sum n minus the yr our anniversary is..actually i m abit afraid of heights..was wif angeline on the way up & i almost freaked out..she's very sweet to put her one arm around me to calm me down & the other hand holding my arm..keep asking me to close my eyes & comfort me by talking to me..i even leaned on her shoulder =P keke..but thats so sweet of her..finally got to the top & each of us took the ride down..we all got the ans rite & got the clue for the next station..

Next station is to find the beach opp "Silk of the Sea" & i think i m really heng..or cos i was hungry..The signboard of the restaurant actually caught my attention when we walkin to our 1st station..so i immed can point out the location & we managed to save alot time..hee..reached the station & this one is to kick a soccer ball into the desinated goalposts..we've to get 3 balls in & cannt be repeated members..i tried the 1st time the force was too small..but on the 2nd attempt i got it in!! omg my atheletic kick still runs in my blood isnt it? (u all better stop saying i dun exercise cos i used to b sporty when i was schooling many yrs back :P) got the next clue for the next station but this one we took sometime to decipher..cos it was juz filling in blanks wif a few available alphabets..ended up was something related to volleyball so we headed straight to the hippiest home for volleyball enthusiats..at that point of time my legs start to hurt liao..ouch..& we r heading to the toughest stage of all..they buried pingpong balls under the sand (3 whites & 1 orange) we've to dig out either 1 orange or 2 whites within 20mins to get to the next stage if not there'll be a penalty of 10mins stuck at that station..we dig & dig & dig for more than 10mins under the hot sun n we couldnt find anything! til a point i actually act kelian & asked one of the marshal can giv clues roughly where the location of the pingpongs mah..initially he said cannot tell then i was like trying my luck continue asking while digging..n he finally leaked out softly tat its ard the place i m digging..and voila we found the 1st white ball..time was running out & when all of us lost hopes thinking we'll get the 10mins penalty..we found the 2nd white ball on the 19th min! phew! by the time all of us feel like dying liao..got the clue & some water frm the marshals..

next one is to find something in the dragontrail..at this pt of time my feet hurts like mad le..think i got blisters..found the entrance of the DragonTrail but oh dear it was a LONG flight of stairs up..i hate to climb up stairs but no choice..struggled up & got to noe that we 've to solve a crossword puzzle..clue is "5 titles u'll see in frames everyday" we dint get the clue right so we tot was any 5 titles of the shows on our channels..got them wrong few times til we finally realized that they r implying the posters they framed up in office that we can see everyday..phew lucky we all had some ideas & solved the puzzle..

After that got the clue of "animals within mosaic tile, look beyond the merlion" quickly headed down to the merlion walk & saw the next stop..this station is to use a tool they gave..plastic cups tied to the end of a bamboo pole, to catch the water splurting out of the small fountains n fill up a 1.5l Coke bottle..angeline & aaron did a great job & we managed to do it within given time..& we got the next clue which is "please head down to Cafe Del Ma" we were hysterical!! we made it!! that place is the end point! we were so happy that we ran down to the nearest tram stop & board the tram..

Reached the entrance of Cafe Del Ma & ran all the way in to the end point where Allan Wu (TARA host) was at..the whole team hav to jump into the box on the floor to declare we r all in at the finishing point..Allan Wu asked if we noe how we fare..we dunno..so now he declared "Congratulations! u r team number 7" wooo we managed to make it 7th position out of the 20 teams..happy..cos Stanley they all always tot wif me the sick in the team sure will be last de..but i fared better than alot of them wahahahahah..

Immed after knowing the results we juz find the nearest sofa & rested..i took off my shoes & saw 4 blisters! omg no wonder the pain was so bad..got our bags back & the gals decided to take a shower at the toilet..lucky we came back quite early dint wait tat long for the shower..but alas i forgot to bring towel! wtf! ended up i took alot toilet papers & went into the shower..Joanne was laughing so loud to c me do that..after the shower felt fresher then head back to the Cafe..realized that alot pple down during the game..Helen Goh was injured..Kelly fell & the knee swollen..Celia even got a heatstroke & blackout..oh dear, can we like hold the company liable..hahah..the buffet came & i was super hungry..i actually ate 2 shares i think..really eating alot to replenish all the energy lost during the game..ended up sitting wif Foo, Celia & Kelly they all..while eating they r showing the slides of pics taken during the game..it was funny to c those candid shots..& foo as usual wif his lame jokes that made me laughed til cannot stop ah hahahh..too bad few of my sisters nt attending the event..it'd hav been more fun wif them ard..

Actually the Sentosa trip does remind me of some stuff wif him..esp when we passby Rasa Sentosa, Luge Ride, Merlion Walk, etc..got abit affected but decided not to think abt it..
after everything we walked back to the big carpark to take the coach out of Sentosa to Clarke Quay..decided to meet them up at Robertson Quay..but i reached earlier & guess who i met..my brother's fren YiAn & YiQuan..had a short chat wif them & while waiting for my frens i went to the bah kut teh store nearby wif bro frens ended up gossiping hahah..finally Dav reached & called me so endedup we decided to go O bar chill out..after that went up to dbl O & there r hell lots of pple last nite..think mayb SAF payday alot of regulars there? so sian..dint really enjoyed myself cos i was super tired & drained frm the whole day event..left earlier ard 12+..

Now its morning & i can feel my whole body aching like mad..i wonder how long it'll take to recover..and i m like 3 shades darker sob sob..i dun like my tanned look..but no choice i was under the hot sun running frm like 2pm to almost 7pm! drained~ super drained..think the sweat i persipred yesterday is more than wat i had for the whole of this yr..gosh..anyway think i better stop..mum cooked noodles for me..i m gonna eat & go back to zzz..i need alot of rest.. =D

Received a bouquet frm him sent to office..but having mixed feelings..how should i feel now..sigh.. =S

I really dunno wat to do next le..why is it tat one moment he can make me feel that i m the person he loves & he cant lose me but at the same time i dun mean that much..He said all the things that bothered me r things tat he's doing to get things done..ask me to trust him..but how to trust w/o doubts when they r so many question marks in my head? The things that he said to me during the Genting trip & the few times over at my place, how much is really the truth? esp after the "J" issue, it affected me to an extend that i cannot imagine..too many things happened for the past yr..I lost the faith i used to have..be it in him, in me, in r/s..He keeps telling me that he noes in his heart the one he loves is me & the wanting to get married in 3yrs time thingy..but i feel so scared..i dunno what r the truth anymore..I lost my judgement on things..

Was talking to L over the phone, told me that after so many things, again & again he came back to me proved that i m the one he loves..if not he could have leave me long time ago..but is it really the case? i really dunno le..
At the same time after talking to kururu she asked me "Why do u insist on staying with a guy who keeps hurting u?do u seriously wan everyone to not know what to say to u anymore?he might not be hitting u but this is emotional abuse, dun make pple who care abt u see u hurting..u r not the only one who loves hard,but thats not enough to stay with someone.."

I noe that there r alot hurts & pains for the past yr..til a point that alot of frens commented that i've changed..I broke down crying very badly when shir asked me "Where's the bubbly cheerful Juan i used to noe?Where's the Juan with the sweetest smiles & influential laughters gone to?i miss that Juan..Can u find her back?"
Ya i miss that old me too..the one who can handle everything by herself..the one that can bring smiles & laughters to the pple ard me..the one that carry herself wif confidence..Where's that Xie XingJuan? the Juan now is someone who make pple ard her worry..who's always emo & unhappy shedding tears alone in her bedrm.. I wan the old me back! but i dunno how to...

I had a fruitful wk..met up wif Yee & Zhen on Thur in town..3 gals had dinner at sushi teh (my fav Jap restaurant) chatted & gossip til wee hrs..It actually brought back memories frm the past..I realized that i still can smile & laugh like this..Its juz i forgot how to..Promised to meet up this wk for movie & i look forward to having nites out wif the gals again..

Fri was abit feverish..went home had a short rest after work then popped panadols & headed down to St James for Mark's bday party (preempt of me falling real sick =p) saw quite a few old sch mates..had a short catchups wif them & realized that everybody has their own probs..but i m glad that they r still there..I had an enjoyable nite dancing with the gals (i simply love dancing with the gals cos we dance well~haha) we all drank quite a fair bit that nite but not to the extend of getting drunk..

Sat woke up quite late cos of the party previous nite..had a talk wif him over the phone & got disheartened..i m tired of seein the selfish him..everytime when things happened,even though at times he's at fault,he can easily argue & rationalize his actions to stem from other pple's faults..even towards his family..my heart gets colder & colder everytime things happen..but this time round i decided not to shed anymore tears..enough is enough..
met up wif moquack for dinner & acc me make a new pair of specs (cos cant see clearly wif the current pair i m using le) after testing, my right eye increased 50degrees & left eye increased 25degree..think will turn blind soon at this rate..n the sadder thing is Jan concluded that at the rate that i m blasting my mp3s, i'll turn deaf real soon too..so meaning i'll be blind & deaf before i age haha..thats a sad thing isnt it?

Sunday went to Vivo for shopping..heehee been quite long since i went shopping le..Ever since wif him i seldom go out walk ard le..I planned & scheduled my time according to him..I cant even rem when was the last time we went dating,i really cannot recall..no movies, no shoppings, no nothing..the most is go out for dinner once in a while thats all,he come over my place after work or i go over his place after work, thats all..which couples dun go dating at all? but all along i did not grumbled,not even once..cos i thought that by being understanding that he's busy & tired is being nice & good..I rather he use those time to rest..I felt heartache to see him tired..so i rather whenever he has free time he juz rest..so ever since i cant recall when but definitely for almost a yr,nv once did i try to get him out to date wif me..nv even once i threw tantrums that he's not spending time wif me..the only thing that i did was feeling insecure all by myself..
But recently i realized that he does ktvs,shoppings,movies,dinners wif classmates..so y m i so understanding for? felt foolish actually..why m i depriving myself of things that he can easily give to others..if he really has no time for me y he has time for his classmates..tight slap in the face isnt it? mayb i m juz not impt enuf to let him wan to spend time dating wif me..feel so worthless..

But from now on i'll not deprived myself of anything lesser than i can give myself..I'll start to love myself more & live for myself..rather than living for someone else..I love him too much in the past that i lost myself & stopped loving myself..Its time for a wakeup call..Be it wat happens for us from now on, 1st thing that i've to do for myself is start loving myself..thought of a Bon Jovi song "Its my life..Its now or never..I aint gonna live forever" So, never again i shall deprived myself of anything that i can give myself or pamper myself with..Find back the Juan thats happy & cheerful..the Juan that has a smile on her face everyday..the Juan thats independent & confident..I noe it wont be easy but i oso noe i've to start doing it..Enough of being emo & unhappy le..The past yr has been so draining that both my emotion & body r not healthy..i dun wan this..& i m the only person that can help myself & snap out of the low phase..

Woke up this morning wif a high fever..tried to force myself to go work but after washing up i cant even walked straight..informed team leader & colleagues that i cant make it to work then fell back to zzz after taking panadols..woke up in the noon struggled my way down to c a doc..gav me 2 days mc..dint tell anyone else including him that im having such a high fever..cos i noe even he noes doubt he'll come visit me bah..dun tell him meaning no expectations fr him meaning no disappointments..whole day has been feeling crap cos of the fever..highest temp went up to 38.3 degree celsius..dint wan family to worry so acted fine but actually my whole body hurts even when i walk fr my room to the toilet..think theres still a part of tough Juan surviving inside of me haha..sick til wanna faint le still can act tough hee..he did call me ard dinner time..but dint say much..i was taking my med..dint noe wat to say to him oso..but nvm,expected le..dint wan to think abt it le..too draining..if no one else can take care of me,i will take care of myself..enough of depending on others to take care of me..i shall be miss independent again..if i can do it in the past i can do it now too..

Wow~ i've wrote a long post..actually i should rest more de..but i think i've bottled up alot stuff inside which is very unhealthy..wanna confide to someone but i dunno who i can talk to w/o making them worry abt me..so in the end i decided to blog..in the past whenever i m unhappy i chose to blog..cos i can let out watever inside my mind w/o worrying abt someone listening to me confidin & thinkin of ways to console me..i do feel slightly better after this long blog..juz took my temp 38.0 still running a temp siah..sianz..no wonder my eyes feels painful & burning, feeling cold & weak, whole body hurting like mad..haha.. oh well, i think i should stop here to take my med then go rest again..yawn~hope will wake up feeling better tml..

We all deserve to find people who connect with us, who care for us, who make us laugh, who drive us crazy (in a good way), and who make us feel more excited than a popcorn kernel in a microwave..

Of course, we should all strive for all five qualities, not settle for two or three of the total. That said, many of us have unfair expectations of what relationships are supposed to be like..

Blame it on the movies, or romance novels, but seeking perfection in a relationship isn't noble; it's doomed..Think about the lottery winners: They play with the hope that they'll score big, quit the job, buy a yacht, and party for the rest of their lives..But the reality for so many mega-bucks winners is that they end up in a dead-end life with relatives clawing at them and bankruptcy lawyers dividing the spoils..Why? Bcos their expectations of their fantasy life were far different than the reality, and they end up blowing the so-called best thing that ever happened to them..

Same goes for relationships. You may hit lucky sevens with a perfect match, but if you don't manage the fantasy with a dose of reality, your heart will be headed for bankruptcy..

There are few key fantasy vs. reality clashes..We just gotta make sure we end up on the right side..

Expectation: The Fireworks of Romance
Reality: The Fireworks of Conflict
Sure, when sparks fly in a beginning of relationship, you've got oodles of chemistry, hopes, and anticipation..But to think that every day is going to be a barrel of butter-cream icing is just asking for trouble.
If you're experiencing a lot of passion, you need to manage the 180-degree side of that passion-hard-core conflict..While some see conflict as relationship weakness, it can actually be the opposite - a Harvard study, in fact, found that subjects who express their anger have half the risk of heart disease compared with men who internalize it.
It's a sign that you're communicating, a sign that you both care about the relationship, and a sign that you've got sparks, not complacency..

Expectation: The Perfect Package
Reality: Imperfect Behavior
When two pple meet "the one", they tell all their friends about all the qualities of the new-found lover: Cute, friendly, compassionate, funny, good job, nice shoes, gorgeous body. In other words, perfect!
Yeah, right, your friends think, and they're probably right. Okay, your new love interest seems to fit 97 of your 100 pieces of criteria for the perfect mate - after the second date..But again, that level of expectation can be an unfair standard that your imperfect companion will never be able to live up to as weeks, months, and years pass.
Better to admire and appreciate the things that made you swoon. Then, it's up to you to manage the warts and worries (in personality, behavior, hygiene, whatever) that will slowly be introduced the more you get to know them.

Expectation: Wild Nights, Sleepy Days
Reality: Wild Days, Sleepy Nights
The joys of dating: Party all night, then lounge around during the day in anticipation of the night ahead. Of course, the initial excitement - about an impending date on the town or a friendly tussle in the bedroom - is one of the main engines that drives the relationship early on..
That power source will wind down a bit once commitment sets in and routine takes over..Fight the impulse to pull away when you start to feel this relationship shift; spending time with a romantic partner can curb work-related stress..The most successful couples are the ones who are able to adapt to the fact that crazy work days, the stress of life, and the daily grind of reality will become a stronger force than all-night talks under the stars.

Expectation: Complete Immersion
Reality: Occasional Diversion
When you start dating someone who drives you to Jack Nicholson levels of craziness, you want total saturation..You want to talk on the phone, you want an inbox full of flirty messages, you want five nights a week of dates, you can't stop thinking about them, and everything you say, do, smell, touch, or eat reminds you of that person..
If that's you, I'm happy for you. That kind of all-consuming infatuation is one of the greatest feelings in life..But it just can't last. And - truth to tell - men may maintain an interest in the EPL, and want to watch a game or two with buds..
Or women may decide that, heck, those end-of-season sales just can't go on without them..Many couples write off those feelings as evidence that they must be falling out of love..I don't see it that way..I see it as falling into reality, and successful couples know how to change their definition of immersion..
In fact, those with a wide circle of friends have an easier time dealing with stress and have a lower risk of heart disease than people who rely on only one or two others for support..That is, they don't see immersion as being based on quantity of time together, but rather immersing themselves in each other in whatever time they have-whether it's a lot or not..

Every relationship is going to come up against some obstacles..They'll either break it up, or make it stronger..If it ends, it wasn't meant to be..If you push through, the relationship will be better than ever..

Read from a website abt some tips in making r/s stronger..sharing wif everyone hope it helps..

(In)dependence
Guys like all the things that can come with marriage - the companionship, the safety, a guarantee of having good sheets on the bed and good reasons to change them. But one of the things they fear the most: that they're going to feel more constricted than David Blaine in an ice block.
While most men understand that being married doesn't mean that they can play six nights a week like they did in their bachelor days, they also want to feel like they have the blessing, support, and encouragement to play golf with their pals every once in a while, to knock a few back at the sports bar when the big game is on, to still feel free even when they've willingly surrendered some independence.

Adoring, Yet Not Needy
Few things turn a guy on as much as a woman who makes her man feel like he's the only guy for her. And few things turn off a guy as much as a woman who makes her man feel like he's the only guy for her.
Right, both statements are the same, but hugely different. It all has to do with where the woman and man are coming from. If they're equals, they're not making undue claims on each other, and they can be an even stronger pair. If either one of them is weak and needy, however, that emotional burden can drag both partners down. So, throw your partner some compliments and some assurances, but don't tell him the planets spin around him.
He knows they don't, and will question your sanity if you say they do. Especially at the start of a relationship, it won't hurt for him to know that you're perfectly OK without him, thank you very much, but that it's more fun when you're together. A light touch early can produce strong bonds later.

An Imaginative Mind
There's a lot of press these days about men who worry about dating successful women, that they feel their masculinity is threatened if their women make more money or have more power. To that I say baloney (low-fat).
Men are very turned on by women who have big goals, big dreams, and big imaginations - whether they're career-oriented or not. Because when a woman is driven, that means that she's moving forward, and the whole family is, too.

Jekyll and Hyde
Not that we want our partners to flip-flop and pretend to be people they're not, but there's something intrinsically exciting about a partner who has the ability to be a sort of chameleon - a little fun and imaginative in bed, yet charming at a family reunion.
It's the all-in-one woman who can equally pull off the roles of wife, mother, boss, friend, neighbor, vixen. That's not asking too much, is it? After all, if a guy is going to commit for a lifetime, he'll want his partner to be able to react to a lifetime's worth of challenges and opportunities, right?
Show him you've got that going, and the relationship will last a long time (if he knows what's good for him).


Quarrels r inevitable in a r/s..Every relationship goes through some bad times..But i always believed in one thing..

"After all, if you were the right one (for him), it wouldn't matter whether his mind was somewhere in Iceland; he'd find a way to make it work."

been really long since i last updated my blog..past 2 mths were really hell for me..something happened btw me & him on CNY eve..spent my nite crying couldnt sleep..next day went to visit relatives' place wif swollen eyes..not in the mood to do anything..i lost almost 4kgs within tat wk cos of the irregular sleeping hrs & lack of appetite..i cant function at all in life..juz packed my everyday wif alot meetups wif frens..cant even hav a single moment alone w/o feeling like shit..
thanks to alot of frens who helped me tide thru this period..all the crying sessions, the part where i dunno how to love myself & take care of my health..think i broke alot pple's heart..those who really care for me..i felt so sorry but i cant help but sinking lower & lower..

it was after 2 mths when i finally start to stand up slowly..at this time me & him oso started contacting each other..tryin to take things slow though..too much hurt..i dunno how things will work out but i m still trying..i realized we fight bcos we r too focused on proving the merits of our own pt of view & overlook our partner's needs to feel understood n appreciated..i dun dare to hope too much..juz take things slow & c how it turn out to be..

lately i m so into this song "Crank Dat Soldier Boy By Soulja Boy" hahaha..the 1st time i heard this song i already liked it so much..but fell in love wif the song after the barcode incident..i love barcode! hahahah..

I just bought a new phone..whee! W580i in metro pink..the phone is sooo me..pink & white combi..hee..love it..new toy to play..hee..got it from Mokie after trading in my old phone..

Went to get the phone wif mok..after that met wenliang, adeline, tuatao & dear for makan at Katong miki's..we ordered a spread of sinful food..sigh..i'll fall sick real soon at this rate..

Dint expect to c him last nite..i was so mean..after buying phone i smsed him "i m officially broke after paying for the phone..do u wanna sponsor me abit?" he scolded me but eventually still pass me $50 scare i'll starve hahaha..

Anyway, i'll be playing wif my new toy for the next few days..

Next target is an ipod mp3 player (cos mine was spoilt le..sob..)

这街上太拥挤　太多人有秘密　
玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪　在还原那场雨　
这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里

这日子不再绿　又斑驳了几句　
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
电影院的座椅　隔遥远的距离　
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关於
描述我如何爱你　你却微笑的离我而去

这感觉　已经不对　我努力在挽回
一些些　应该体贴的感觉　我没给
你嘟嘴　许的愿望很卑微　在妥协
是我忽略　你不过要人陪

这感觉　已经不对　我最後才了解
一页页　不忍翻阅的情节　你好累
你默背　为我掉过几次泪　多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪　你的美　我不配 　

Back to work from holidays..had to drag my body back to work this morning..its so hard to get the momentum back..whole morning juz doin past few days asruns..only started doin my log ard 11+ haha but still i managed to finish the log in time..phew~

Past wk hasnt been very gd..the stress to clear all the new yr logs..all the OTs..been draining me alot..he has been working non stop for the past wk..both of us hav been so tired that we ended up in bad tiffs..the xmas eve one was one of the worst we ever had recently..the next day still gotta wake up early to go for xiang's wedding..i dint even sleep..whole day cold war..but eventually at nite he came over to look for me wif wenliang,tuatao,mok & jeffrey..went drinkin at fishermen's..til the pt that we went back his hse we still not talkin to each other..we dint talk things out then went to sleep..next few days we still not really back on talkin terms..

On sat went for Stan's wedding at Cablecar tower..remind me of that time when he brought me to cable dining..haha..after that went drinking wif janice & amy..met up wif tuatao they all after tat..i think this issue actually made it worse for the whole situation..so even at nite meet up we ended up in tiff again..i think its the unresolved issues again..i went off b4 midnite..so ended up i dint managed to spend the new yr wif him..but i decided to giv him a call to trash things out..& i think i made the right decision..finally after so long we had a heart-to heart talk..ever since the busy period started for both of us,we havent been tryin to resolve the issues that happened..that talk somehow ironed out the issues..met up late nite on the eve..next morn he still had to work..last day of his stock take..the msgs he sent me in the morn really warmed my heart..but he so kelian worked til ard 9..he came over to fetch me over to his place for dinner..i can feel the difference btw us le..things r startin to get better again thru the rough patch le..after dinner,watch awhile tv then i massaged for him..think his whole body breaking apart le..but still had the energy to pillow fight huh..hmph..but still when he asked me that question, his response towards my answer really was a confidence booster..

morning he woke up earlier for work..peck on my forehead b4 he left..sweet~hee..i woke up abt an hr later than him (cos i start work later mah) woke up le got ready for work..auntie already prepared breakfast for me..whee~!! but in the end i was late for work..sianz..too dilly dally liao lah! haiz..exchange a few msgs wif him then started workin le..at the end of the day..when i was on my way to the bus stop he called..told me he'll b meetin customers for drinks later..but b4 tat wanna meet me for dinner..tat was a surprise~even though it was abit rush but he came over picked me up from Tampines then we went to Kovan for dinner..i noe the time we hav tonite wasnt much..but i really appreciate his effort to meet me for dinner..i noe he has been working for past 10days..i noe he need rest..so i really appreciate his efforts today..

The things that happened past 2 days somehow swept away all the low feelings i had for the past wks..i hope the happiness will last & i'll live my life happy everyday..hahah..

And i really hav to thanks tuatao & wenliang for all the help they gave..Thanks pals..hee..but stop shooting me~sotong will get angry de hor..hehe..