I really dunno wat to do next le..why is it tat one moment he can make me feel that i m the person he loves & he cant lose me but at the same time i dun mean that much..He said all the things that bothered me r things tat he's doing to get things done..ask me to trust him..but how to trust w/o doubts when they r so many question marks in my head? The things that he said to me during the Genting trip & the few times over at my place, how much is really the truth? esp after the "J" issue, it affected me to an extend that i cannot imagine..too many things happened for the past yr..I lost the faith i used to have..be it in him, in me, in r/s..He keeps telling me that he noes in his heart the one he loves is me & the wanting to get married in 3yrs time thingy..but i feel so scared..i dunno what r the truth anymore..I lost my judgement on things..

Was talking to L over the phone, told me that after so many things, again & again he came back to me proved that i m the one he loves..if not he could have leave me long time ago..but is it really the case? i really dunno le..
At the same time after talking to kururu she asked me "Why do u insist on staying with a guy who keeps hurting u?do u seriously wan everyone to not know what to say to u anymore?he might not be hitting u but this is emotional abuse, dun make pple who care abt u see u hurting..u r not the only one who loves hard,but thats not enough to stay with someone.."

I noe that there r alot hurts & pains for the past yr..til a point that alot of frens commented that i've changed..I broke down crying very badly when shir asked me "Where's the bubbly cheerful Juan i used to noe?Where's the Juan with the sweetest smiles & influential laughters gone to?i miss that Juan..Can u find her back?"
Ya i miss that old me too..the one who can handle everything by herself..the one that can bring smiles & laughters to the pple ard me..the one that carry herself wif confidence..Where's that Xie XingJuan? the Juan now is someone who make pple ard her worry..who's always emo & unhappy shedding tears alone in her bedrm.. I wan the old me back! but i dunno how to...

I had a fruitful wk..met up wif Yee & Zhen on Thur in town..3 gals had dinner at sushi teh (my fav Jap restaurant) chatted & gossip til wee hrs..It actually brought back memories frm the past..I realized that i still can smile & laugh like this..Its juz i forgot how to..Promised to meet up this wk for movie & i look forward to having nites out wif the gals again..

Fri was abit feverish..went home had a short rest after work then popped panadols & headed down to St James for Mark's bday party (preempt of me falling real sick =p) saw quite a few old sch mates..had a short catchups wif them & realized that everybody has their own probs..but i m glad that they r still there..I had an enjoyable nite dancing with the gals (i simply love dancing with the gals cos we dance well~haha) we all drank quite a fair bit that nite but not to the extend of getting drunk..

Sat woke up quite late cos of the party previous nite..had a talk wif him over the phone & got disheartened..i m tired of seein the selfish him..everytime when things happened,even though at times he's at fault,he can easily argue & rationalize his actions to stem from other pple's faults..even towards his family..my heart gets colder & colder everytime things happen..but this time round i decided not to shed anymore tears..enough is enough..
met up wif moquack for dinner & acc me make a new pair of specs (cos cant see clearly wif the current pair i m using le) after testing, my right eye increased 50degrees & left eye increased 25degree..think will turn blind soon at this rate..n the sadder thing is Jan concluded that at the rate that i m blasting my mp3s, i'll turn deaf real soon too..so meaning i'll be blind & deaf before i age haha..thats a sad thing isnt it?

Sunday went to Vivo for shopping..heehee been quite long since i went shopping le..Ever since wif him i seldom go out walk ard le..I planned & scheduled my time according to him..I cant even rem when was the last time we went dating,i really cannot recall..no movies, no shoppings, no nothing..the most is go out for dinner once in a while thats all,he come over my place after work or i go over his place after work, thats all..which couples dun go dating at all? but all along i did not grumbled,not even once..cos i thought that by being understanding that he's busy & tired is being nice & good..I rather he use those time to rest..I felt heartache to see him tired..so i rather whenever he has free time he juz rest..so ever since i cant recall when but definitely for almost a yr,nv once did i try to get him out to date wif me..nv even once i threw tantrums that he's not spending time wif me..the only thing that i did was feeling insecure all by myself..
But recently i realized that he does ktvs,shoppings,movies,dinners wif classmates..so y m i so understanding for? felt foolish actually..why m i depriving myself of things that he can easily give to others..if he really has no time for me y he has time for his classmates..tight slap in the face isnt it? mayb i m juz not impt enuf to let him wan to spend time dating wif me..feel so worthless..

But from now on i'll not deprived myself of anything lesser than i can give myself..I'll start to love myself more & live for myself..rather than living for someone else..I love him too much in the past that i lost myself & stopped loving myself..Its time for a wakeup call..Be it wat happens for us from now on, 1st thing that i've to do for myself is start loving myself..thought of a Bon Jovi song "Its my life..Its now or never..I aint gonna live forever" So, never again i shall deprived myself of anything that i can give myself or pamper myself with..Find back the Juan thats happy & cheerful..the Juan that has a smile on her face everyday..the Juan thats independent & confident..I noe it wont be easy but i oso noe i've to start doing it..Enough of being emo & unhappy le..The past yr has been so draining that both my emotion & body r not healthy..i dun wan this..& i m the only person that can help myself & snap out of the low phase..

Woke up this morning wif a high fever..tried to force myself to go work but after washing up i cant even walked straight..informed team leader & colleagues that i cant make it to work then fell back to zzz after taking panadols..woke up in the noon struggled my way down to c a doc..gav me 2 days mc..dint tell anyone else including him that im having such a high fever..cos i noe even he noes doubt he'll come visit me bah..dun tell him meaning no expectations fr him meaning no disappointments..whole day has been feeling crap cos of the fever..highest temp went up to 38.3 degree celsius..dint wan family to worry so acted fine but actually my whole body hurts even when i walk fr my room to the toilet..think theres still a part of tough Juan surviving inside of me haha..sick til wanna faint le still can act tough hee..he did call me ard dinner time..but dint say much..i was taking my med..dint noe wat to say to him oso..but nvm,expected le..dint wan to think abt it le..too draining..if no one else can take care of me,i will take care of myself..enough of depending on others to take care of me..i shall be miss independent again..if i can do it in the past i can do it now too..

Wow~ i've wrote a long post..actually i should rest more de..but i think i've bottled up alot stuff inside which is very unhealthy..wanna confide to someone but i dunno who i can talk to w/o making them worry abt me..so in the end i decided to blog..in the past whenever i m unhappy i chose to blog..cos i can let out watever inside my mind w/o worrying abt someone listening to me confidin & thinkin of ways to console me..i do feel slightly better after this long blog..juz took my temp 38.0 still running a temp siah..sianz..no wonder my eyes feels painful & burning, feeling cold & weak, whole body hurting like mad..haha.. oh well, i think i should stop here to take my med then go rest again..yawn~hope will wake up feeling better tml..