Dint sleep well last nite..woke up after 3hrs of sleep cannot get back to sleep le..was bored so went up to my blog & started reading entries frm the past..got damn affected cos i realized that i used to hav happy memories that i pinned down in my posts..but recently no more..all my entries r depressing..i realized i only blog when i feel depressed nowadays..i no longer hav happy entries..cos i feel that good things wont last..when i started this blog i wanted so much to pin down everything in my life..be it good or bad..but why izzit that now everything i c in this blog is negative..til a point that i think whoever fren reading my blog will worry for me..

I tried to put the blame on him..for not showing enuf affection..but when i calmed down & ponder abt it..i realized he did put in his effort in his own ways..might not be the way i wanted, but def he's doin something..so y m i still feeling unhappy? somehow or rather i think of the core value & philosophy in my life tats making me feel this way..since young my mum shaped my value this way.."when good things happen to me, i start getting defensive, will try not to be too happy abt it, in case something bad happens, i can take it" but wif this thinking, i noe i'll nv be happy..recent spates of events grew my this value even more..when i come to realization, i noe i can no longer put the blame to anyone..i noe there's a prob wif me, wif my values in life..& the fact that i m aware of the probs lie wif me, i feel frustrated wif myself..i can nv be happy this way isnt it..how long do i wan to continue this way? is there anything i can do wif my values now? was chatting wif her over the phone ended up crying cos i was so frustrated & angry wif myself..the frustrations r not towards anyone else but me myself!..why izzit i noe where the probs r & i m not doin anything abt it..