Past few wks been bz at work..more logs wif lesser time to do..but think i m still managing fine..well, i survived mr foo's 3wks reservice period wat is this to me..hahah..he better not see this post if not i can predict him say "ok, 20 logs for u this wk~" keke..think i m much more efficient when i m not chatting on msn or skepe.. =P
Hmmm..its been 2wks since we back on talking terms..initially i was already on the verge of letting go le..i stopped calling & msging him..when he called, we dun really talk..when he initiate to meet i dint wan to..i thought this would be the last straw for us..cos no matter how hard he tried i juz seemed to shield everything..i m juz too drained & tired abt everything..until that sunday..he tried so hard to get me out to meet up..eventually i soften & agreed to meet up..his attitude towards me soften & changed a fair bit..the moment he saw me he hugged me real tight & sayang me like how he used to be when i m sick (actually i was still sick when we met lah) told me he missed me alot for the past few wks when we did not see each other..actually at that point of time i dint noe how to react..think i reacted still quite cold to him..sigh..after tat,everyday he'll call me & chat wif me after work..somethin that he hasnt been doin for the past 1yr..oso try to meet up more wif me..last wkend he even initiated bring me out for a movie..went to watched CONNECTED at downtown east..tat was our 1st date this year!!! felt quite nice actually..and he actually cooked porridge for me on sunday..been quite sometime since he cooked for me..all along i thought that we can never go back to the same again..esp after so many things happened..cos i feel insecure really easily & no faith in relationship..still trying out but dunno wat to expect..shall see how things go..
I rem during one of our talks last wk..we both realized that both have been unhappy in this r/s for the past half yr..he told me that there were a few times he had the thought "要不然一次过痛啦" to let go of me..but he juz 放不掉..actually i m the same isnt it? so many times i told myself to let go, start afresh, but eventually i'll soften..L is right,i do hav soft spot for this man..but can i still take it if anything were to happen again? i oso dunno..but i noe everytime things happen, the shield built is thicker & higher..wont be ez to break the shield..seems like he's trying & i m too..i hope i can cos i dun wanna be cynical towards men & relationship..
Recently, i tried to be less attached to anything be it him or wat & i realized tat i m getting better..when one is not too attached to anything, life's much easier..i dun do stupid things due to paranoid & he dun do funny things to make me anyhow think..life's like normal..when he knock off he'll call me straight, tell me wat he's doin & alot times will initiate to meet up wif me..when we meet up we'll talk abt wat happened during the day even though juz the gist of it..at times he'll try to tease me..everythin seems ok..but i m abit scared..cos i dunno how long this will last..the negative side of me keeps wanna pop out..i think there's still a part of me couldnt let go of the hurtful period i juz went thru..so even things r good,i'll keep thinking abt the things that happened during tat period of time & get upset..i noe this is not healthy holdin on to unhappy past..but i juz cant seem to let it go..i noe it can be done, but i dunno how to start..mayb its my mind state tat determines..when im in better state, things will juz fall back in place..
Read a number of quotes frm books recently..find a few really meaningful & i hope to learn frm them n to start changing my life..i really had enuf of the low & negative me..even though i feel that i m starting to get better as compared to the past few mths,but i think the progress is too slow..when its too slow,i can be easily throw back into the low phase again if anything happens..so i kept those quotes in mind & try to remind myself how to get better..
Some quotes i read from books:
* Usually,the best place to make a new start is where u r! Before changing ur address,consider changing ur thinking! When u change,ur situation changes.It is law.
* We all fail.But it's not failing that hurts.What hurts is knowing u dint give ur best.
* The moment u get too attached to things,people,money...You screw it up! The challenge of life is to appreciate everything & attach urself to nothing.
* Next time u r upset,remember it's not so much pple who make u angry,as ur thoughts abt them.
Whatever thoughts r causing u pain,they r only thoughts.You can change a thought.
* The more emotional u r abt things,the less control u have.
* Where did we get the idea tat if we dun forgive pple, they suffer?! (i like this one cos i think i've been harbouring alot anger & hatred in my heart for too long)
* Bcos we r always attracting the learning experiences we need,we often attract wat we fear.
If u fear loneliness,u'll attract tat. If u fear embarrassment,u'll fall on ur face.
It's life's way of encouraging us to grow.The only way to beat fear is to face it.
* When ur body hurts,pain reminds u to take a rest,or maybe to change ur shoes or to find a better way.
When ur mind hurts,pain reminds u to quit worrying or to be more forgiving,or to think in a different way
* The happiest pple dun worry too much abt whether life is fair or not.They juz get on with it.
* If u think the world is against u,it is.Blaming other pple doesnt work.
When u fight life,life always wins.
* If there is something in ur life u dun wan,stop worrying abt it & stop talking abt it!
The energy u put into it keeps it alive.Withdraw ur energy & it will likely go away.
* To see things differently,u dun need willpower,self confidence or brain surgery.You juz need the courage to think the unfamiliar.Ur beliefs determine ur quality of life.
* Nature seeks balance,n u cant be desperate & balanced.Life doesnt have to be an endless struggle.Let things flow.
* Simplify ur life.Quit doing things out of habit.Eliminate some of the garbage frm ur routine so u can see ur path more clearly.
* Ur life is a perfect reflection of ur beliefs.When u change ur deepest beliefs abt the world,ur life changes accordingly.
* Start everyday with an intention to be balanced & peaceful.Some days u'll cruise thru until bedtime, and some days u wont make it past breakfast.
If peace of mind is ur daily goal,u'll get better & better.
* The law of the seed: effort + patience = results.
U reap ur harvest after u do the work.
* If u dunno wat u like doing,maybe u stopped listening to urself years ago.
Many of us become different pple in order to please everyone else.
* When life is sweet,n that little voice says: "It cant last!" Tell urself: "Maybe its abt to get better".
* Peace of mind doesnt come frm having less problems - it comes frm being less critical!
* Loving pple means giving them freedom to be who they chose to be & where they chose to be.
Love is allowing pple to be in ur life out of choice.
* In order to have something in ur life & keep it - whether it's a job or a relationship - u have to be comfortable with it.
* To find,u have to seek.
If u've lost ur life direction,u probably wont find it between drinks at the local bar.
Give urself a break,give urself some time & space to examine what counts for u.
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