Reached home kanna as a venting object by mum again..she dint cook dinner so i decided to have cup noodles & i m perfectly fine wif the idea..but when she noes i wanted to settle dinner by cup noodles she started saying things like "dun think i dunno that in ur mind u muz be thinking how come i dint cook", "muz be thinking how come ur mother is like tat useless dun cook rite", etc.. hello i dint even say a word other than greeting my parents when i reached hme..i m really so tired after 10+hrs of work & the almost 2hrs travelling back..i juz wan to hav a quick dinner & rest tats all..

all along no matter how much she takes me as a venting object (even she herself admitted cos i nv retaliate), no matter how much my frens tell me that i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, i juz tell myself that she's my mum & i'll juz giv in to her..ever since i can rem, think frm kindergarten, i nv talk back to her, nv quarrel wif her..no matter how often she rant at me juz bcos my dad or brother made her angry & i became the target of her vent, i'll juz keep quiet & let her say all the nasty things even though i've done nothing at all..shir & jan said i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, & i m doin her harm cos actually when someone juz keep on ranting neg stuff the person dun feel good either..i really dunno..but somehow i juz dun bear to raise my voice at her cos i noe how much hardships she went thru bcos of my dad..

Today, i think i did slightly retaliate..i told her "nobody said anything abt u not cooking, its all ur own imagination tat anyone ever said that" think she was taken aback oso..i dint mean it but i've to let her noe that no one is complainin abt her not cooking tonite..why does she always hav to feel that the whole family is not satisfied wif her..i think mayb its the genes..in my family, pple like to think neg stuff to make ownself suffer..

I really wan her to b happy..stop being so neg & always think at the neg stuff..i noe i dun hav any right to say her cos i m a neg freak myself at this point of time..but i really hope she can do it..i m always the guai daughter at home..no matter wat happens i'll try my best not to make her worry, i nv throw tantrums at her, i let her vent her frustrations on me whenever my father or brother do things to make her angry..i really dunno wat else i can do le..alot of times really feel so 委屈 that i feel like crying..she'll nv rant at my brother so everytime he does something that upset her i noe i'll kanna in due course..when i was young, i admit i was jealous of my brother..why is it that my mum dotes on him so much tat no matter wat he does she'll nv scold him..but as i grow up i think i came to compromise wif this already..but somehow i still get hurt when she throw tantrums at me when he made her angry..i dun feel the jealousy anymore but i still can feel the hurts inflicted on me everytime she say nasty things or throw tantrums at me when i did not do anything at all..

I m secretly hurting in my room now..i dun feel like telling anyone at this moment..but i need to let it out..so blogging become my alternative..sigh..pathetic soul..
I better go get a gd rest tonite & wake up fresh tml..dun wanna end the nite shitty so think i better adjust my mindset..cos i m XXJ..i can handle anything de..

Oh ya..better rem wat moquack has been reminding me to do..look into the mirror & say
1) I m pretty (10x)
2) I m happy (10x)
3) I m strong (10x)
I noe it sounds silly..but if it helps me feel better..why not? =P