Dint sleep well last nite..woke up after 3hrs of sleep cannot get back to sleep le..was bored so went up to my blog & started reading entries frm the past..got damn affected cos i realized that i used to hav happy memories that i pinned down in my posts..but recently no more..all my entries r depressing..i realized i only blog when i feel depressed nowadays..i no longer hav happy entries..cos i feel that good things wont last..when i started this blog i wanted so much to pin down everything in my life..be it good or bad..but why izzit that now everything i c in this blog is negative..til a point that i think whoever fren reading my blog will worry for me..

I tried to put the blame on him..for not showing enuf affection..but when i calmed down & ponder abt it..i realized he did put in his effort in his own ways..might not be the way i wanted, but def he's doin something..so y m i still feeling unhappy? somehow or rather i think of the core value & philosophy in my life tats making me feel this way..since young my mum shaped my value this way.."when good things happen to me, i start getting defensive, will try not to be too happy abt it, in case something bad happens, i can take it" but wif this thinking, i noe i'll nv be happy..recent spates of events grew my this value even more..when i come to realization, i noe i can no longer put the blame to anyone..i noe there's a prob wif me, wif my values in life..& the fact that i m aware of the probs lie wif me, i feel frustrated wif myself..i can nv be happy this way isnt it..how long do i wan to continue this way? is there anything i can do wif my values now? was chatting wif her over the phone ended up crying cos i was so frustrated & angry wif myself..the frustrations r not towards anyone else but me myself!..why izzit i noe where the probs r & i m not doin anything abt it..

Reached home kanna as a venting object by mum again..she dint cook dinner so i decided to have cup noodles & i m perfectly fine wif the idea..but when she noes i wanted to settle dinner by cup noodles she started saying things like "dun think i dunno that in ur mind u muz be thinking how come i dint cook", "muz be thinking how come ur mother is like tat useless dun cook rite", etc.. hello i dint even say a word other than greeting my parents when i reached hme..i m really so tired after 10+hrs of work & the almost 2hrs travelling back..i juz wan to hav a quick dinner & rest tats all..

all along no matter how much she takes me as a venting object (even she herself admitted cos i nv retaliate), no matter how much my frens tell me that i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, i juz tell myself that she's my mum & i'll juz giv in to her..ever since i can rem, think frm kindergarten, i nv talk back to her, nv quarrel wif her..no matter how often she rant at me juz bcos my dad or brother made her angry & i became the target of her vent, i'll juz keep quiet & let her say all the nasty things even though i've done nothing at all..shir & jan said i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, & i m doin her harm cos actually when someone juz keep on ranting neg stuff the person dun feel good either..i really dunno..but somehow i juz dun bear to raise my voice at her cos i noe how much hardships she went thru bcos of my dad..

Today, i think i did slightly retaliate..i told her "nobody said anything abt u not cooking, its all ur own imagination tat anyone ever said that" think she was taken aback oso..i dint mean it but i've to let her noe that no one is complainin abt her not cooking tonite..why does she always hav to feel that the whole family is not satisfied wif her..i think mayb its the genes..in my family, pple like to think neg stuff to make ownself suffer..

I really wan her to b happy..stop being so neg & always think at the neg stuff..i noe i dun hav any right to say her cos i m a neg freak myself at this point of time..but i really hope she can do it..i m always the guai daughter at home..no matter wat happens i'll try my best not to make her worry, i nv throw tantrums at her, i let her vent her frustrations on me whenever my father or brother do things to make her angry..i really dunno wat else i can do le..alot of times really feel so 委屈 that i feel like crying..she'll nv rant at my brother so everytime he does something that upset her i noe i'll kanna in due course..when i was young, i admit i was jealous of my brother..why is it that my mum dotes on him so much tat no matter wat he does she'll nv scold him..but as i grow up i think i came to compromise wif this already..but somehow i still get hurt when she throw tantrums at me when he made her angry..i dun feel the jealousy anymore but i still can feel the hurts inflicted on me everytime she say nasty things or throw tantrums at me when i did not do anything at all..

I m secretly hurting in my room now..i dun feel like telling anyone at this moment..but i need to let it out..so blogging become my alternative..sigh..pathetic soul..
I better go get a gd rest tonite & wake up fresh tml..dun wanna end the nite shitty so think i better adjust my mindset..cos i m XXJ..i can handle anything de..

Oh ya..better rem wat moquack has been reminding me to do..look into the mirror & say
1) I m pretty (10x)
2) I m happy (10x)
3) I m strong (10x)
I noe it sounds silly..but if it helps me feel better..why not? =P

I've to control my emotions & discipline my mind..Why do i always for nothing let my mind run wild..Its NOT healthy for me at all! Why do i always like to think of negative stuff & make myself so miserable..Is self-pity my habit?? If i assume that every problem in my life is a lesson to make me stronger then i'll nv feel like a victim isnt it?? How foolish for me to punish myself in the present moment bcos someone hurt me in the long-ago past!

Sometimes i really dun feel like talking to anybody abt wat thoughts i've running in my mind anymore..cos i find myself a nuisance..even though i believed that a real listener hears me even when i keep quiet..Why m i so cynical, skeptical & perssimistic always..Do i believe that an advantage of habitual perssimism is to protect one frm genuine despair? Am i such a true cynic that expects nothing more frm life than confimation of my disappointments?

I think alot things r only lovable when we've conquered bitter disappointments in them..
Sufferings indeed strengthens.........strengthen the strong la! am i strong enuf to tide thru everything?

Had a chat with Jas over msn..she told me abt an incident regarding her admin gal..her admin gal is a woman who divorced twice..recently got a new bf & brought him to their company dinner..& to Jas surprised, the guy is her gf's husband!! WTH!! that guy is married to Jas fren yet now went to a company dinner as someone else bf!! knn!! now Jas in dilemma dunno whether to tell her gf anot..she said sometimes ignorance might be a bliss..She went to ask her gf how's her marriage..Her gf told her that the husband always very busy..go home only once or twice a week..rest of the time he working & sleeps in office!! but in fact the guy is actually quite free, always go meet admin gal for lunch lah go stay over her place!! having an affair is already wrong..this is worse than an affair!! he's not really goin home for the wife & already dare to introduce himself openly as another woman's bf!! this is more than an affair already its starting of a relationship!! WTF!! why cant men juz be faithful & good to the wife..why muz they go out & fool around..They nv thought of their wives' feelings at all!! grrrrrrr!!

Frens, if ever one day my future husband is being unfaithful to me..pls tell me..cos i believed that i rather noe the truth & leave a heartless man than being blissfully ignorant abt his affair outside..