Winson saw my name on msn & asked me how i am lately..he's in US now..should be missing his wife alot..told me that his fren saw his ROM pics & said that i m pretty & we both concluded that my photos r deceiving..hahahah..Kun said the same thing to me oso..said his fren said my pic on FB & commented i pretty..but Kun told him straight in the face that its deceiving hahahah..omg..my buddies really noe me well isnt it.. =D ok i should have more self-confidence~

I scorched my hand yesterday morning..a stupid reason for the accident though..grrr..i got 4 blisters on my right hand & i cant even hold a pen n write..the pain was so bad that i felt like crying..but the moment i tot of the featured pgm i watched the nite b4 abt this lady who met with a freak accident & lost all her 4 limbs but still carry on living life gracefully, i told myself i have no right to cry over such small issue.."有什么好哭的，烧到手而已嘛" at least i still hav my limbs..i can still feel pain & i can still heal..i forced myself to go to work..bear with the pain & did everything wif my left hand & i survived thruout the day..the feeling is very good..to noe that i m actually strong & handling everything well..

I watched a featured pgm abt this lady who lost all her limbs after a freak accident..She was so down but she managed to survive thru the phase..she live her life strong & positive..i really salute her for her courage & attitude towards life..she said when she was out on streets pple gav her stares as if she's some kind of monster (inconsiderate Singaporeans!), but she'll look back at them & smile..cos she's brave to face it..i feel so ashamed,cos when i get stares frm strangers on streets the 1st tot tat came to me is "is there something wrong wif my face?is my dressing weird today?" but i nv took it in a positive way..pple might b staring cos i look good? (thick-skinned hahah) she's so brave & positive in life given her condition now..wat am i to feel depressed over wat happened..wat i went thru for the past yr is NOTHING compared to wat she went thru..so i told myself, wake up the idea, i muz live life strong & positive..i've no right to feel depressed over small matters..there r so many less fortunate pple ard, i should cherish & count my blessings..

Met moquack at CWP when i reached..when to buy medication for my hand..got a cheap $3.50 gel frm chinese medical hall..had a chat abt life & some recalls of the past..both of us were amazed by how strong a person i used to be (we chatted abt how i survived the illness when i was 17) & moquack almost wanted to strangle me saying that i managed to survive such an ordeal many yrs back how can i let myself fall so low for the past few mths bcos of r/s issues?? n by recalling the past i really felt that i was so bloody strong in mind then..so i told myself..nothing minor is gonna bring me tat down again..i muz really find back that me..i noe i've been saying that so quite sometime..but somehow i think that featured pgm & the recalls of the past somehow is like a wake-up call..knock some senses into my head..i m gonna take control of my life again..i will & i can do it..the whole of yesterday i was handicapped on my right hand, alot pple offer to help me stuff be it at work or after work..but i insisted to do everything myself even though it was tough..moquack said i m stubborn but somehow i feel good to be able to do things all by myself not relying on anyone..that was the old me isnt it? i m gonna keep this going until it becomes a habit juz like tha old me..its such a good feeling~hee..

Juan is goin to live everyday positively..smile more..worry less..take control of my life..i can do it & i will do it.. =D

I m in a freaking state of PMS-ing..i feel bloated..i feel lethargic..i feel the emotions thingy out of control again..why why why~ i hate this feeling..as if like i've no control over myself..i snapped at the taxi uncle who gave us attitude few days back (which i think scared Jan & Yong who were in the same cab wif me)..i snapped at a guy who tried to ask me out for concert..i snapped when i noe there r last min pull-outs at work on friday..i snapped at almost everything! argh izzit my problem or i m juz plain PMSing? will everything be back to normal in a few days time? i feel murderous & will kill the next person stepping on my toe..

I dun wan to be emotional..i hate this feeling! the more emotional i get, the lesser control i have over things..& this is so true..I need to be able to live wihout something in order to have it..Once i can let go of alot stuff, i m in a greater position of greater power..Why do i let feelings of insecurities hit me again! grrrr! for instance, he calls me everyday right after work, meet up wif me almost everyday, nothing is wrong, but still i feel insecure..I think he's right at times, he said alot times he really dunno wat to do to make me feel better..i agree wif him too..actually i do enjoy my time wif him,nothing happen but i juz will get struck by tinge of insecurities super easily..i feel myself so screwed up emotionally..i hope Jan is right..things will start get better when the PMS symptoms subside..i m still waiting..

Things being in a constant state of change, i need a healthy attitude towards letting go of old things & embracing the new..To create a healthy flow, i've to let go of stuff i dun wan..this applies to habits, old clothes, junk in the closet, unhappy memories & the list goes on..I need to let go of all the stuff i dun wan, wont use & dun need! I think my greatest problem is holding on to things that i dun wan or dun need & memories that caused me pains..i dun need them! but y m i holding on to them! my frens r right..i m somehow too stubborn to let go of things..which at the end of the day i m the only one suffering..nobody else will suffer if i hold grudges, feel angry, not forgiving, etc..i m the ONLY one suffering..& sad to say i brought these sufferings upon myself isnt it? Foo told me that day, life's too short to get unhappy & brood over past unhappiness..i know~ i really know~ but i juz dunno how to start doing it..one day i may feel perfectly fine & happy wif life, another day even nothing happens i'll sink into depressed mode..is this typical gemini character?

Actually our lives is a reflection of ourselves, the more love & beauty that we perceive, the more we r growing & the more we r becoming..So i need to instill more positive thoughts into my mind to replace the negative ones..i need to..i need to..

Jan got a book named "His needs Her needs" I juz read the content page & find it quite interesting..will get the book frm her after she finished reading..

Contents

1) How affair-prove is ur marriage?
2) Why ur love bank never closes
3) The 1st thing she cant do without - Affection
4) The 1st things he cant do without - Sexual Fulfillment
5) She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
6) He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational Companionship
7) She needs to trust him totally - Honesty
8) He needs a good-looking wife - An Attractive Spouse
9) She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial Support
10) He needs peace and quiet - Domestic Support
11) She needs him to be a good father - Family Commitment
12) He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration
13) How to survive an affair
14) From incompatible to irresistable

Juz had a shower..feeling quite tired..havent been sleeping well lately cos of the toothache..went to see the dentist last fri..took x-ray & checked but no tooth decay..dentist said 2 possibilities causing the toothache..one might be bcos of me grinding teeth too much when i sleep which caused pressure on the tooth, another is due to recent sinus infection that affects the connected nerve..both is possible cos i do grind teeth when i sleep esp when i m stressed or tired & i juz had a sinus infection nt too long ago..prescribed me wif some painkillers asked me to observe & go back review in 2wks time..i m finishing the painkillers but the pain dun seem to go away..grrr..

Past few wks been bz at work..more logs wif lesser time to do..but think i m still managing fine..well, i survived mr foo's 3wks reservice period wat is this to me..hahah..he better not see this post if not i can predict him say "ok, 20 logs for u this wk~" keke..think i m much more efficient when i m not chatting on msn or skepe.. =P

Hmmm..its been 2wks since we back on talking terms..initially i was already on the verge of letting go le..i stopped calling & msging him..when he called, we dun really talk..when he initiate to meet i dint wan to..i thought this would be the last straw for us..cos no matter how hard he tried i juz seemed to shield everything..i m juz too drained & tired abt everything..until that sunday..he tried so hard to get me out to meet up..eventually i soften & agreed to meet up..his attitude towards me soften & changed a fair bit..the moment he saw me he hugged me real tight & sayang me like how he used to be when i m sick (actually i was still sick when we met lah) told me he missed me alot for the past few wks when we did not see each other..actually at that point of time i dint noe how to react..think i reacted still quite cold to him..sigh..after tat,everyday he'll call me & chat wif me after work..somethin that he hasnt been doin for the past 1yr..oso try to meet up more wif me..last wkend he even initiated bring me out for a movie..went to watched CONNECTED at downtown east..tat was our 1st date this year!!! felt quite nice actually..and he actually cooked porridge for me on sunday..been quite sometime since he cooked for me..all along i thought that we can never go back to the same again..esp after so many things happened..cos i feel insecure really easily & no faith in relationship..still trying out but dunno wat to expect..shall see how things go..

I rem during one of our talks last wk..we both realized that both have been unhappy in this r/s for the past half yr..he told me that there were a few times he had the thought "要不然一次过痛啦" to let go of me..but he juz 放不掉..actually i m the same isnt it? so many times i told myself to let go, start afresh, but eventually i'll soften..L is right,i do hav soft spot for this man..but can i still take it if anything were to happen again? i oso dunno..but i noe everytime things happen, the shield built is thicker & higher..wont be ez to break the shield..seems like he's trying & i m too..i hope i can cos i dun wanna be cynical towards men & relationship..

Recently, i tried to be less attached to anything be it him or wat & i realized tat i m getting better..when one is not too attached to anything, life's much easier..i dun do stupid things due to paranoid & he dun do funny things to make me anyhow think..life's like normal..when he knock off he'll call me straight, tell me wat he's doin & alot times will initiate to meet up wif me..when we meet up we'll talk abt wat happened during the day even though juz the gist of it..at times he'll try to tease me..everythin seems ok..but i m abit scared..cos i dunno how long this will last..the negative side of me keeps wanna pop out..i think there's still a part of me couldnt let go of the hurtful period i juz went thru..so even things r good,i'll keep thinking abt the things that happened during tat period of time & get upset..i noe this is not healthy holdin on to unhappy past..but i juz cant seem to let it go..i noe it can be done, but i dunno how to start..mayb its my mind state tat determines..when im in better state, things will juz fall back in place..

Read a number of quotes frm books recently..find a few really meaningful & i hope to learn frm them n to start changing my life..i really had enuf of the low & negative me..even though i feel that i m starting to get better as compared to the past few mths,but i think the progress is too slow..when its too slow,i can be easily throw back into the low phase again if anything happens..so i kept those quotes in mind & try to remind myself how to get better..

Some quotes i read from books:

* Usually,the best place to make a new start is where u r! Before changing ur address,consider changing ur thinking! When u change,ur situation changes.It is law.

* We all fail.But it's not failing that hurts.What hurts is knowing u dint give ur best.

* The moment u get too attached to things,people,money...You screw it up! The challenge of life is to appreciate everything & attach urself to nothing.

* Next time u r upset,remember it's not so much pple who make u angry,as ur thoughts abt them.
Whatever thoughts r causing u pain,they r only thoughts.You can change a thought.

* The more emotional u r abt things,the less control u have.

* Where did we get the idea tat if we dun forgive pple, they suffer?! (i like this one cos i think i've been harbouring alot anger & hatred in my heart for too long)

* Bcos we r always attracting the learning experiences we need,we often attract wat we fear.
If u fear loneliness,u'll attract tat. If u fear embarrassment,u'll fall on ur face.
It's life's way of encouraging us to grow.The only way to beat fear is to face it.

* When ur body hurts,pain reminds u to take a rest,or maybe to change ur shoes or to find a better way.
When ur mind hurts,pain reminds u to quit worrying or to be more forgiving,or to think in a different way

* The happiest pple dun worry too much abt whether life is fair or not.They juz get on with it.

* If u think the world is against u,it is.Blaming other pple doesnt work.
When u fight life,life always wins.

* If there is something in ur life u dun wan,stop worrying abt it & stop talking abt it!
The energy u put into it keeps it alive.Withdraw ur energy & it will likely go away.

* To see things differently,u dun need willpower,self confidence or brain surgery.You juz need the courage to think the unfamiliar.Ur beliefs determine ur quality of life.

* Nature seeks balance,n u cant be desperate & balanced.Life doesnt have to be an endless struggle.Let things flow.

* Simplify ur life.Quit doing things out of habit.Eliminate some of the garbage frm ur routine so u can see ur path more clearly.

* Ur life is a perfect reflection of ur beliefs.When u change ur deepest beliefs abt the world,ur life changes accordingly.

* Start everyday with an intention to be balanced & peaceful.Some days u'll cruise thru until bedtime, and some days u wont make it past breakfast.
If peace of mind is ur daily goal,u'll get better & better.

* The law of the seed: effort + patience = results.
U reap ur harvest after u do the work.

* If u dunno wat u like doing,maybe u stopped listening to urself years ago.
Many of us become different pple in order to please everyone else.

* When life is sweet,n that little voice says: "It cant last!" Tell urself: "Maybe its abt to get better".

* Peace of mind doesnt come frm having less problems - it comes frm being less critical!

* Loving pple means giving them freedom to be who they chose to be & where they chose to be.
Love is allowing pple to be in ur life out of choice.

* In order to have something in ur life & keep it - whether it's a job or a relationship - u have to be comfortable with it.

* To find,u have to seek.
If u've lost ur life direction,u probably wont find it between drinks at the local bar.
Give urself a break,give urself some time & space to examine what counts for u.

Company had corporate event yesterday 10/10/08..Theme is The Toughest Race after TARA3..well,judging fr the theme we noe its not ez job haha..all of us will be arranged in team of 6 pple & we wont noe the name list til b4 we set off for the event..

Went to work in the morn clearing my mon EA1 & PH logs..got them done by 11.15 & lunch (BurgerKing) came in ard 11.30 hehe..saw the name lists..there r Victor, Angeline, Christine, Jorshlin, Aaron & me..ermm other than aaron i dunno the rest of them! omg! was abit worried cos dint noe how well i can click wif the rest..teamwork is very impt for the event..Foo consoled me ask me not to think too much..juz relax & enjoy the games later..

Got changed & headed down to the lobby to gather..saw my team members n find them familiar (juz cant call out who is who hahah) Victor is frm HongKong & leading our team..Hippo bus came & pick us up to destination Sentosa..On the way when i saw the glaring sun i noe jialat liao,sure become roasted pig..saw Cheryl in bus & both of us decided to apply more sunblock lotion hahah..reached Sentosa ard 2 saw the weather feel like juz faint straight & drop out of the game haha..its was freaking hot..but Victor tried to encourage us..telling us even we dun aim for No.1 at least dun be the last team..so we all decided to do our best~

The host gav out instructions for the game & after Ricky's speech we started the game..Team leaders r supposed to burst balloons to get the clues inside the balloon for our next station..the 1st balloon tat he got was "Sorry pls try again" omg we almost fainted..2nd attempt for the balloon was fruitful..we got an alphabet puzzle & got the clue 'Palawan Beach'..headed there & saw marshals..the task was to fill up a waist-tall barrel filled wif small hole to the brim frm the sea water wif a small red pail..Victor did the tough job of fetching the water & the rest of us responsible to block the holes not letting the water leak out..we try to find alot stuff on the beach to try block the holes..but it wasnt enuf..we oso used the ponchos given to stuff the holes..& towards the end all of us used our hands, knees, etc to juz block the holes! i was drenched even its only the 1st station..we managed to complete the task & got the clue for the next station..

We got the ans & it lead us to the 'Songs of the Sea'..At this station there r 80 paddle locks locked to chains & there's a box wif 100 keys (20 keys r not even the ones that can open the locks!) so the rest 80 diff keys to 80 diff locks! gosh! we've to unlock 3 locks within the given time & only 3 of us can try at the same time..i think i was the lucky charm for the team hee..i unlocked 2 locks & out of the 2 locks i managed to unlocks within total of 10 attempts! even the marshals said that i m lucky..i replied "i think i was a professional thief in my past life =P"

After that we got the clue that lead us to the Luge ride..we've to take the thing up, take the Luge ride down,along the way down there'll be boards showing numbers & maths signs..we've to get the sum n minus the yr our anniversary is..actually i m abit afraid of heights..was wif angeline on the way up & i almost freaked out..she's very sweet to put her one arm around me to calm me down & the other hand holding my arm..keep asking me to close my eyes & comfort me by talking to me..i even leaned on her shoulder =P keke..but thats so sweet of her..finally got to the top & each of us took the ride down..we all got the ans rite & got the clue for the next station..

Next station is to find the beach opp "Silk of the Sea" & i think i m really heng..or cos i was hungry..The signboard of the restaurant actually caught my attention when we walkin to our 1st station..so i immed can point out the location & we managed to save alot time..hee..reached the station & this one is to kick a soccer ball into the desinated goalposts..we've to get 3 balls in & cannt be repeated members..i tried the 1st time the force was too small..but on the 2nd attempt i got it in!! omg my atheletic kick still runs in my blood isnt it? (u all better stop saying i dun exercise cos i used to b sporty when i was schooling many yrs back :P) got the next clue for the next station but this one we took sometime to decipher..cos it was juz filling in blanks wif a few available alphabets..ended up was something related to volleyball so we headed straight to the hippiest home for volleyball enthusiats..at that point of time my legs start to hurt liao..ouch..& we r heading to the toughest stage of all..they buried pingpong balls under the sand (3 whites & 1 orange) we've to dig out either 1 orange or 2 whites within 20mins to get to the next stage if not there'll be a penalty of 10mins stuck at that station..we dig & dig & dig for more than 10mins under the hot sun n we couldnt find anything! til a point i actually act kelian & asked one of the marshal can giv clues roughly where the location of the pingpongs mah..initially he said cannot tell then i was like trying my luck continue asking while digging..n he finally leaked out softly tat its ard the place i m digging..and voila we found the 1st white ball..time was running out & when all of us lost hopes thinking we'll get the 10mins penalty..we found the 2nd white ball on the 19th min! phew! by the time all of us feel like dying liao..got the clue & some water frm the marshals..

next one is to find something in the dragontrail..at this pt of time my feet hurts like mad le..think i got blisters..found the entrance of the DragonTrail but oh dear it was a LONG flight of stairs up..i hate to climb up stairs but no choice..struggled up & got to noe that we 've to solve a crossword puzzle..clue is "5 titles u'll see in frames everyday" we dint get the clue right so we tot was any 5 titles of the shows on our channels..got them wrong few times til we finally realized that they r implying the posters they framed up in office that we can see everyday..phew lucky we all had some ideas & solved the puzzle..

After that got the clue of "animals within mosaic tile, look beyond the merlion" quickly headed down to the merlion walk & saw the next stop..this station is to use a tool they gave..plastic cups tied to the end of a bamboo pole, to catch the water splurting out of the small fountains n fill up a 1.5l Coke bottle..angeline & aaron did a great job & we managed to do it within given time..& we got the next clue which is "please head down to Cafe Del Ma" we were hysterical!! we made it!! that place is the end point! we were so happy that we ran down to the nearest tram stop & board the tram..

Reached the entrance of Cafe Del Ma & ran all the way in to the end point where Allan Wu (TARA host) was at..the whole team hav to jump into the box on the floor to declare we r all in at the finishing point..Allan Wu asked if we noe how we fare..we dunno..so now he declared "Congratulations! u r team number 7" wooo we managed to make it 7th position out of the 20 teams..happy..cos Stanley they all always tot wif me the sick in the team sure will be last de..but i fared better than alot of them wahahahahah..

Immed after knowing the results we juz find the nearest sofa & rested..i took off my shoes & saw 4 blisters! omg no wonder the pain was so bad..got our bags back & the gals decided to take a shower at the toilet..lucky we came back quite early dint wait tat long for the shower..but alas i forgot to bring towel! wtf! ended up i took alot toilet papers & went into the shower..Joanne was laughing so loud to c me do that..after the shower felt fresher then head back to the Cafe..realized that alot pple down during the game..Helen Goh was injured..Kelly fell & the knee swollen..Celia even got a heatstroke & blackout..oh dear, can we like hold the company liable..hahah..the buffet came & i was super hungry..i actually ate 2 shares i think..really eating alot to replenish all the energy lost during the game..ended up sitting wif Foo, Celia & Kelly they all..while eating they r showing the slides of pics taken during the game..it was funny to c those candid shots..& foo as usual wif his lame jokes that made me laughed til cannot stop ah hahahh..too bad few of my sisters nt attending the event..it'd hav been more fun wif them ard..

Actually the Sentosa trip does remind me of some stuff wif him..esp when we passby Rasa Sentosa, Luge Ride, Merlion Walk, etc..got abit affected but decided not to think abt it..
after everything we walked back to the big carpark to take the coach out of Sentosa to Clarke Quay..decided to meet them up at Robertson Quay..but i reached earlier & guess who i met..my brother's fren YiAn & YiQuan..had a short chat wif them & while waiting for my frens i went to the bah kut teh store nearby wif bro frens ended up gossiping hahah..finally Dav reached & called me so endedup we decided to go O bar chill out..after that went up to dbl O & there r hell lots of pple last nite..think mayb SAF payday alot of regulars there? so sian..dint really enjoyed myself cos i was super tired & drained frm the whole day event..left earlier ard 12+..

Now its morning & i can feel my whole body aching like mad..i wonder how long it'll take to recover..and i m like 3 shades darker sob sob..i dun like my tanned look..but no choice i was under the hot sun running frm like 2pm to almost 7pm! drained~ super drained..think the sweat i persipred yesterday is more than wat i had for the whole of this yr..gosh..anyway think i better stop..mum cooked noodles for me..i m gonna eat & go back to zzz..i need alot of rest.. =D

Received a bouquet frm him sent to office..but having mixed feelings..how should i feel now..sigh.. =S