FORGIVING~

Alot of things happened lately..i realized that life is really unpredictable..who noes after her medical consultation outcome will be like this..she told me she believed in karma now..i suddenly realized that alot things tat happened in the past doesnt matter now..i juz hope she'll tide thru & get well..the same applies to whoever i've been holding grudges against..

Last yr was a very difficult yr for me..i thought i was goin to die at every step, but i dint..i survived..alot of issues resulting in anger & depression..but i realized only after i accepted the situation can i begin to recover frm it..mayb look at it this way: the storm has passed, my personal landscape has changed..its the beginning of healing..I rem reading a phase frm a book "You r not going to live your life unscathed" & i totally agree wif it..most pple hav the expectation tat life's supposed to b happy, but we r adults, we noe tat there r always mountains & valleys..at some point of time, many of us will face life-challengin trials tat knock us to the ground..n wat i noe now is how we pick ourselves back up, how we take tat pain n turn into somethin powerful for myself tat matters..we r stronger than we noe..some setbacks may seem permanently disabling, but everyone goes thru them at some point & their lives go on..life mayb altered, but not broken..human beings r hardwired to survive..we r tougher than we think..

I realized..i m in charge of how i react to pple & events in my life..i can either giv negative power over my life or i can choose happiness instead..need to take control & choose to focus on wats impt in my life..those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of own life..sometimes, if we realized how powerful our thoughts r, we will nv think a negative thought..

Healing is not easy..it involves overcomin some degree of resentment..it's very tempting to bear a grudge against whoever or watever i think compromised my happiness in the first place n i think i've been holdin on grudges to alot of things & pple..but its proven that resentment festers & it is as unhealthy as an open wound..when a deep injury is done to us, we nv recover until we start to forgive..
I rem seeing a fren's msn nick "for every minute u remain angry, u giv up 60 seconds of happiness"..actually tat is so true..if i havent forgiven someone, it does not hurt tat person..that person sleeping at nite..i m holding on to that n all the damages is being done to me internally..when i learn tat me being angry wif tat person has no power over them, it only has power over me..so do i let this go or do i hold on to it? what happened in the past has happened, but i m slowly releasin the anger, bcos when i was angry it held me back..

When i dun forgive another, i objectify tat person, hardering him/her into a particular mold..in order to nurse a grudge, i always hav to think of the other person as "the one who hurt me"..but this is only a portion of that person's being..So long as i hold on to the frozen image of the other person, the 2 of us will continue to play out the same dynamic..forgiveness renders the relationship fliud again, allowin me to see other aspects of that person..n me too, r freed to live more fully, not frozen into one posture..this applies to every r/s aspects..kinship, friendship & love..

Blaming is a waste of time..no matter how much faults i find wif another, regardless of how much i blame another person, it will not change me..the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off me when i m lookin for external reasons to explain my unhappiness or frustration..i may succeed in makin another feel guilty abt something by blaming, but i wont succeed in changin watever it is abt me tat is makin me unhappy..Forgiveness does not equal forgetting, it is abt healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it..i think when one forgives, we create a possibility of a better future - for myself & for the person im forgiving..

I think now i start to learn to live..living meaning living in the present - not in the past or future..living in the moment diminishes anxiety abt the future & pain associated wif the past..i need to focus on valuing wat i have now..

I noe it sounds cliche, but i think we all need to find a way to hold on, bcos time really does heal alot wounds..pain is temporary, it may last a min or an hr or a day or a yr or even many yrs..but eventually it'll subside & something else will take its place..if i quit tryin, the pain last forever..i take charge of my own healing..i m part of the solution, not a passive victim..Healing is a slow process, it takes patience..

Actually in 3 words i can sum up everything i've learn abt life haha..
"It goes on" =)