I finally colored my hair to a darker color..hope it wont fade into light again so soon.. =P

Ah Foo made each of us a toy wahahah..this is mine~looks like me?

FORGIVING~

Alot of things happened lately..i realized that life is really unpredictable..who noes after her medical consultation outcome will be like this..she told me she believed in karma now..i suddenly realized that alot things tat happened in the past doesnt matter now..i juz hope she'll tide thru & get well..the same applies to whoever i've been holding grudges against..

Last yr was a very difficult yr for me..i thought i was goin to die at every step, but i dint..i survived..alot of issues resulting in anger & depression..but i realized only after i accepted the situation can i begin to recover frm it..mayb look at it this way: the storm has passed, my personal landscape has changed..its the beginning of healing..I rem reading a phase frm a book "You r not going to live your life unscathed" & i totally agree wif it..most pple hav the expectation tat life's supposed to b happy, but we r adults, we noe tat there r always mountains & valleys..at some point of time, many of us will face life-challengin trials tat knock us to the ground..n wat i noe now is how we pick ourselves back up, how we take tat pain n turn into somethin powerful for myself tat matters..we r stronger than we noe..some setbacks may seem permanently disabling, but everyone goes thru them at some point & their lives go on..life mayb altered, but not broken..human beings r hardwired to survive..we r tougher than we think..

I realized..i m in charge of how i react to pple & events in my life..i can either giv negative power over my life or i can choose happiness instead..need to take control & choose to focus on wats impt in my life..those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of own life..sometimes, if we realized how powerful our thoughts r, we will nv think a negative thought..

Healing is not easy..it involves overcomin some degree of resentment..it's very tempting to bear a grudge against whoever or watever i think compromised my happiness in the first place n i think i've been holdin on grudges to alot of things & pple..but its proven that resentment festers & it is as unhealthy as an open wound..when a deep injury is done to us, we nv recover until we start to forgive..
I rem seeing a fren's msn nick "for every minute u remain angry, u giv up 60 seconds of happiness"..actually tat is so true..if i havent forgiven someone, it does not hurt tat person..that person sleeping at nite..i m holding on to that n all the damages is being done to me internally..when i learn tat me being angry wif tat person has no power over them, it only has power over me..so do i let this go or do i hold on to it? what happened in the past has happened, but i m slowly releasin the anger, bcos when i was angry it held me back..

When i dun forgive another, i objectify tat person, hardering him/her into a particular mold..in order to nurse a grudge, i always hav to think of the other person as "the one who hurt me"..but this is only a portion of that person's being..So long as i hold on to the frozen image of the other person, the 2 of us will continue to play out the same dynamic..forgiveness renders the relationship fliud again, allowin me to see other aspects of that person..n me too, r freed to live more fully, not frozen into one posture..this applies to every r/s aspects..kinship, friendship & love..

Blaming is a waste of time..no matter how much faults i find wif another, regardless of how much i blame another person, it will not change me..the only thing blame does is to keep the focus off me when i m lookin for external reasons to explain my unhappiness or frustration..i may succeed in makin another feel guilty abt something by blaming, but i wont succeed in changin watever it is abt me tat is makin me unhappy..Forgiveness does not equal forgetting, it is abt healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it..i think when one forgives, we create a possibility of a better future - for myself & for the person im forgiving..

I think now i start to learn to live..living meaning living in the present - not in the past or future..living in the moment diminishes anxiety abt the future & pain associated wif the past..i need to focus on valuing wat i have now..

I noe it sounds cliche, but i think we all need to find a way to hold on, bcos time really does heal alot wounds..pain is temporary, it may last a min or an hr or a day or a yr or even many yrs..but eventually it'll subside & something else will take its place..if i quit tryin, the pain last forever..i take charge of my own healing..i m part of the solution, not a passive victim..Healing is a slow process, it takes patience..

Actually in 3 words i can sum up everything i've learn abt life haha..
"It goes on" =)

Saw this quotes from an email.. Kururu u muz see these..

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free ur heart from hatred
2. Free ur mind from worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less

No one can go back & make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now & make a brand new ending. God didn't promise days without pain, laughters without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears & light for the way.

Disappontments are like road humps, they slow u down a bit but u enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on humps too long. Move on!

When u feel down because you didn't get what u want, just sit tight & be happy, because god is thinking of something better to give u.

When something happens to u, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach u how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

You can't make someone love u, all u can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize ur worth.

The measurement of love is when u love without measure. In life there are very rare chances that u'll meet the person u love & loves u in return. So once u have it don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

When u truly care for someone, u don't look for faults, u don't look for answers, u don't look for mistakes. Instead, u fight for the mistakes, u accept the faults & u overlook the excuses.

Its been 2 wks since Foo went for reservice..its really not easy to cope without team leader around plus the fact of being one man down in the team..been working late lately..fell sick start of this wk, given 2 days mc by the doctor but still went to work..think i've been lookin really sick for the whole wk..& the best thing is: its my bday! ahhh!!

Still went to work on my bday despite me being sick..but mayb bcos it was my bday on wed so i was more chirpy despite the fact of being sick..juz tat my eyes were really puffy (my eyes juz swell whenever i m sick..dun understand why!) whole day rushing work hoping not to stay too late in office on my special day..but ended up still worked late =S

But i had a nice bday =)
ard lunchtime, recep called to say that there's something for me at the counter..so i went over to collect & it was a bouquet of roses frm him..abit surprised but feelin happy..msged him thanks..then went back to work..
continue to bury myself in work til ard 4+ suddenly i heard a hoarse voice singing happy birthday song frm the back..sounds abit creepy though..turned over saw yongxin holding a birthday cake & the rest gathering up ard to sing me bday song..that was a surprise so i can feel my face blushed lol..after which they played a prank on me saying that the basketball was my bday present cos i've been lackin exercise..then after some fooling ard, they finally passed me the real present..it was an Agnes B voyage makeup pouch..nice~ keke cos i will nv pay so much juz for a makeup pouch..its lovely~ think they all cannot take my old makeup pouch, kept complainin its ugly haha..anyway i love the new one they got for me..immed changed to it that very nite keke..

Shir came to office to pass me a card & a smiley face cushion for my bday..she was shocked to feel my body temp & went "omg gal u havin a fever & still came to work on ur bday??" hahah..

Later in the nite, he called ask me if i wan dinner tog after work..so waited for me knock off picked me up frm office & went to east coast park for dinner..kept asking wat i wan i said i wan Jap food cos not so heaty so i asked if theres any sushi tei nearby but apparantly no frm wat we noe..so decided on Waraku instead..juz b4 the turn into Waraku he suddenly mention tat there another new area at east coast wif new restaurants asked if i wanna go take a look so i said ok & to our surprise, theres a sushi tei at the new area! so went to hav late dinner there..i dint eat alot cos i was really feeling unwell but he seemed to b worried that i dint eat enuf so asked a few times if i wan order more & commented i ate so little..since i wasnt feeling well, went back hme after the dinner..keke..but i think the day was good except the little hipcup for which i was sick..

Here r the pics taken in office on my special day..

*Yongxin wearing her mask trying to sing my bday song with tat hoarse voice!*

*Bouquet frm him sent to the office*

*Bday gal with the flowers*

Came across another song on radio today..me & Jan made so much fun about the lyrics..lol..
Gals will love this song~

Christina Aguilera - Can't Hold Us Down (feat. Lil' Kim)

So, what, am I not supposed to have an opinion?
Should I keep quiet just because I'm a woman?
Call me a bitch 'cause I speak what's on my mind
Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled

When a female fires back
Suddenly big talker don't know how to act
So he does what any little boy would do
Makin' up a few false rumors or two

That for sure is not a man to me, slanderin' names for popularity
It's sad you only get your fame through controversy (So, so sad)
But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say

[chorus:]
This is for my girls all around the world (Around the world)
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
So what do we do girls? shout louder!
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground (Stand our ground)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

Nobody can hold us down
Nobody can hold us down
Nobody can hold us down
Never can, never will

So, what, am I not supposed to say what I'm saying?
Are you offended with the message I'm bringin'?
Call me whatever 'cause your words don't mean a thing
Guess you ain't even a man enough to handle what I sing

If you look back in history it's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore
I don't understand why it's okay,
The guy can get away with it, the girl gets named
All my ladies come together and make a change
And start a new beginning for us, everybody sing

[chorus:]
This is for my girls all around the world (around the world)
Who have come across a man
That don't respect your worth (repect your worth)
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
(can't get rid of us)
So what do we do girls, shout louder
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground
(we're standing our ground this time)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

Here's something I just can't understand
If the guy have three girls then he's the man
He can even give her some head, or sex her off
But if a girl do the same, she's a whore

But the tables about to turn
I bet my fame on it
Cats take my ideas, and put their name on it
It's aight though, you can't hold me down
I got to keep on moving

To my girls to their man who be trying to mac
Do it right back to him and let that be that
You need to let him know that his game is whack
And Lil' Kim and Christina Aguilera got yo back

You're just a little boy
Think you're so cute, so coy
You must talk so big to make up for smaller things
You're just a little boy
All you do is annoy
You must talk so big to make up for smaller things

(This is for my girls)
This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
So what do we do girls, shout louder (shout louder)
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground (stand our ground)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

This is for my girls all around the world (for my girls)
Who have come across a man that don't respect your worth (around the world)
Thinkin' all women should be seen not heard
So what do we do girls, shout louder
Lettin 'em know we're gonna stand our ground (stand our ground)
So lift your hands high and wave 'em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can't hold us down

Uh, oh oh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh
Can't hold us down

Yeah, we here, we back again, yeah,
Lil Kim and Christina Aguilera
Can't hold us down

Heard this song over the radio today..quite like it..

Battlefield - Jordin Sparks

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield

One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield?
Why does love always feel like..

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag,
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose what we had, oh no
Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now

I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your...

We could pretend that we are friends tonight (oh-oh-oh)
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like..

A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield,
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield

I cut my wrist..yes i cut my wrist today..ACCIDENTALLY!!

Was helping mum washing the tin can for her to re use & tada~ i slit my wrist! & for the whole tin there's only a small little part tat was sharp to cut & i kanna tat part!! how heng can a person get!! even my mum was "wah only this part is sharp leh, u very heng, did u buy toto?" duh~
worse case is the cut quite deep i cant stop the bleeding..i used 3 pcs of tissues, applied pressure but it juz continue to bleed..then i used plaster to try stop the bleeding but plasters were completely soaked wif my blood..it was until the 3rd plaster then the bleeding start to stop slightly..sigh..pple if u c bandage on my wrist it was an accident k~ =p

Recently has been good for me..as in past one mth..more positive & motivated in life..i hope this will last cos i think this is the longest period tat i have kept myself positive ever since the low phase in my life..i m starting to take things easier & now i m even a positive motivator for Jan..she calls me her idol LOL cos she said that she's amazed by my positive mindset now..n i m startin to like myself again (cos i've been hating myself for past 1+yr for being low).. its a great feeling to b able to like myself again..the only thing now is to sustain & strengthen myself..n oso to let go of alot of unhappiness frm the past..
Once i can do tat, folks the old Juan will b back~ stay tuned~! keke =D

i m freaking tired at the moment but i feel that i need to pen this incident down b4 i hit the bed~

u'll nv believe how 'lucky' i am..alot of times u watched in shows that pple's xrays or bloodtest results got mixed up rite?n to a certain extend u find it ridiculous..ok i juz encounter something similar today!

went for my usual annual bloodtest last wk due to inheriditary issues (yes,i need the test every yr to make sure that things r alrite to stay alive) & supposed to collect my test results today..went to the clinic waited for freaking long & when i saw the doc she seemed puzzled when she was looking at the records..after a min she told me tat my blood sample taken last wk which was supposed to b sent for my usual blood test was ACCIDENTALLY sent for a kidney diagnosis!! omg~ n i've to retake blood sample for the correct test!! the mistake was made cos the previous doc marked my blood test form in such a hurry that he marked the column that was juz beside the correct test!! grrrrr..

in the end i've to retake the blood test (not as if i had alot of blood to start with) & they'll call me again if there's any issues..if not i'll juz hav to wait another half yr for the routined test again..but hey for nothing i've to go thru the process of taking blood which i hate alot! argh~ still cannot believe that the clinic actually made such a blunder!!

ok if i were to look at the positive side of this issue..i had a free kidney test & my kidneys r fine! hahah..

p/s: i went for the last jab of immunisation this morning b4 i headed for my blood test result collection & both the jab n bloodtest taken on the same arm..my left arm will b handicapped for a few days! i cant lift it for more than 90 degree! cant even touch my arm without feeling pain! OUCH!

Yongxin juz sent me a song which i think hit me quite hard..

<妥协 - 蔡依林>

你总爱编织谎言
我负责配合表演
所有改变 只为了进入你的世界
这情节 重复了一百遍
才发现 是你的心太野

你划定楚河汉界
我不能轻易犯规
所有时间 都是先给了你优先权
不自觉 爱到不敢冒险
成了你的傀儡一年两年
才看见我有多狼狈

爱到妥协 到头来还是无解
绑着你 不让你飞
历史不断重演 我好累
爱到妥协 也无法将故事再重写
你已下最后通牒 我躲在我的世界

你只是害怕一个人睡
我不想再为你掉泪
我了解 不会变
不再徘徊 开始自己的明天

I passed my driving test~ wahahahhahaha..8 demerit pts =P
anyway uploaded this pic cos i like it & its the recent pic i took..bleh..

Did a test here's the results..Quite true

Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

阿姨阿妹 took these pics for me before i left for PY's banquet~

Today is a very special day in my life..one of my bestest fren Peiyun getting married~!! woohoo~ after 10yrs of being together, PY & Wilson decided to tie the knot.. =D

I m PY's sister so woke up at 5+ in the mornin & reached her place ard 6+..the sky was still dark & i almost tripped while walking down the stairs to her hse cos there were no lights at the corridor.. =( hahah but lucky i made it there safe & sound =P

I was one of the sisters who reached the earliest..PY juz started the make up..PY's sisters r made up of me (sec sch), Meifang they all (JC frens) , Sarah & Siewling (NIE frens)..total 10 of us..keke..ard 7+, daniel msged to inform that the brothers of wilson r on their way..so the sisters gotta get ready all the 'sabo' items..there r 10 brothers to help out on wilson side too..

Upon reaching, the guys were supposed to make the words "PY I love u" at the basketball court..& after that Wilson hav to shout out I love u loud & clear frm the bball court..after that they made their way up to PY's hse & they r supposed to eat the 酸甜苦辣 items prepared by the sisters.. 酸-Lemon, 甜-Caramel, 苦-Bittergourd, 辣-Oreo with wasabi fillings~ hahaha poor brothers hav to help finish ALL the food prepared..after which all of them r to pole dance to CNY songs..that was hilarious! the last one was to ask Wilson to say the reason y he loves PY every step he took to PY's room..that was sweet =D So our smart groom managed to get thru all the tests set by sisters to get his beautiful bride..

After tat we went over to Wilson's place for the tea ceremony..but that was a short one..after which we've a 2-hr break when we can go settle our lunch..went to AMK hub & had PepperLunch..after that had a walk ard the area & sat down to rest at Coffeebean..i think i was too tired the moment i sat on the seat, i dozed off..they all woke me up only half hr after i dozed off..oops..cos they said i looked sooo tired they dun dare to wake me up frm the short power nap..after tat we gotta rush down to Trus Grace Church for their church wedding..

When reached, me & Sarah were helping out wif the changing of PY..after that got a seat & the ceremony started..when i saw the filmstrips & pics of teh couple frm young til they met & fell in love, i felt so touched (but PY put a photo of us which i think i look awful hahahah) it was a pic of us taken more than 10yrs ago hahah..at the same time PY's dad held her hand & had a grand entrance..i saw them slowly walking in & PY's blissful smile, i really felt sooooo happy for her that i actually teared..*blush =S* keke..bt this is the only few times that i was feeling so so happy truely frm the heart on someone's wedding..mayb cos PY is really a gd fren of mine & i feel so happy that she found her happiness & someone whom can really take gd care of her..Wilson loves her alot & dotes on her alot..i m confident that Wilson will be a gd husband to PY..
after the ceremony, while taking pics, i saw a long-lost fren Kaiqin..hahahah we had a chat after that & found us soooo similar in thinking hahahah..agreed to meet up for coffee & mahjong sometime soon keke..

After the church wedding, i rushed hme to bathe & get changed for the dinner..cos today my mum invited relatives over so when i reach hme the whole hse was so crowded..i had actually wanted to mingle ard more wif them but i was really in a rush cos i need to rush down to the restaurant by 6.30 to help out..so had a short mingle ard session i hurried to bathe get changed make up then rush out of the hse..took a cab down to the restaurant..

When reached the place, the sisters will hav to divide the tasks..JC pple stayed at the recep & help out..me, Sarah & siewling stayed wif PY in the room..we were chatting alot actually hahah..dinner starts ard 8.30pm..i was at the same table wif alot of my sec sch frens who i did not c for many many yrs..was so excited to c them..Yulei, WanInn, SiewYee, SooTing, Ruikai hahaha so happy to c John shifu..its been so many yrs since i last saw them..we had a BIG gossip session wahahahahaha..see?cannot put long lost gal frens tog..haha..but we had a great time juz chatting & gossiping..promised to meet up again soon b4 WanInn goes back to Australia..

Left the place close to 12 already..shared cab wif moquack they all when i almost had a quarrel wif the cab uncle..i juz cannot take taxi uncles giving attitude! the rest were in shocked when i spoke so loudly to the uncle..oops.. =P

Reach hme took a shower felt so shiok & now while waiting for my hair to dry i m blogging..will head to sleep soon cos still need to work tml..argh..

But i m feeling happy..cos my buddy has found her happiness.. =) will upload the pics once i get them..

For now, yawnz...

No matter wat..i wan a better 2009..
2008 has been crap for me spending most of the time feelin low & depressed..
Bit by bit i m goin to get better..I've wasted a yr being so depressed..i really dun wan another yr like that..
Pls pls..i need all the courage & determination to get better!!

Finally i had some decent rest..phew..its a sat & i slept til late noon..think been drainin my body too much..i hope i can hav more of days like this..juz sleep til watever time i wan..no need to go work..not thinkin or vexin abt anything..been sooo long since i can rest like this..work has been tedious & schedule has been hectic..well, all of us need to recharge ourselves once in a while isnt it..& i m glad tat i've the chance to do so..

The whole wk has been a bz one..cos of the overload of logs due to the holidays..but i've to say tat i m lucky to hav nice frens at work..they made work life much more enjoyable & most of the time i dun find goin to work a hassle..so i've been working hard on the logs..

Mon & Tue he wasnt in the mood to work..wanted to meet me but i was too tied down by work..so on Mon he ended up meeting wif tuatao for makan & games..Tue was wendy's bday..think cos of the tension of the quarrels he had wif his dad..me & his mum hav to do arrangements & plannin for dinner..so while rushing my work in office i was makin calls & smses to coordinate for the nite..so decided to hav dinner at Tampines..after work i went straight to Tamp & make reservations for 6 at Jack's Place..he went back to fetch his family & i waited for them at CS's Jacks Place..as expected both his & his dad's faces as solemn as ever..but me & the mum juz chatted within ourselves..after tat went back to his place & we had a cake-cuttin session for wendy..she was so happy to c the presents we gave her..& we all had an early xmas exchange tat nite..his mum was sweet to buy me a winnie the pooh storage case..i had always wanted to buy tat but cant bear to part wif the money haha..appreaciate his mum's thoughts..he slept quite early but i had a chat wif his mum in the living rm til quite late..i noe the mum also dunno wat to do wif him lah..there's always tension at home when things happen at work..sigh..

Wed was xmas eve..reached office immed can feel the joyous mood in the air..when i reached my desk i already saw alot of presents frm colleagues on my desk..awww so sweet of them..so whole morning most pple in office wasnt working..walking ard the office for xmas gift exchange & chattin..i only settled down & started on my work ard 11am..spent almost 2hrs skiving hahah..whole office was like tat..since lunch i heard pple frm other dept startin their xmas celebrations liao..was abit distractin but i've to force myself to work & complete my stuff in time..managed to finish all my stuff ard 5+..phew~ then its when the havoc starts..they were opening port wines & we all started drinkin & makin merry muahahahah..most of us drank til high..hee..we all had fun & i think were really noisy..but i think the whole office was in xmas mood so nobody cares..hahah..i had so so much fun in office that day.. =D

Ard 7+ he called asked me where i m..told him i m still in office..he asked if i wanna hav dinner wif his family for xmas..so i said ok..initially i was supposed to go to the lobster porridge place to meet them by myself..but 10mins later, he called..ask me to wait for him at Tampines instead said the dad decided to change place bcos of me (but i dunno how true was that lah) ended up pick me up at Tamp & went to Serangoon for hotpot..after tat he sent his family back hme & asked me if i've any plans in mind..i told him no cos no matter where we go sure packed..he kept askin if i've any place i wanted to go he'll acc me..but i really hav no cravin to go anywhere tat nite..so we decided that we'll go separate ways for the nite..he'll go meet tuatao they all & i go meet my gfs..he kept askin will i be angry if we dun spend the xmas eve together but i assured him i wont..i noe he has been stressed lately so i rather he spend some time wif his frens to chill out..& i can go hav fun wif my frens too..he said he still wish meet me after tat so passed me his hse keys for keepsake as we dunno wat time individual side events will end..

He sent me to St James to meet up wif eileen they all..dropped me & he went to meet tuatao they all straight i supposed..i met up wif eileen & vivien at Movida but subsequently suah to Boiler (i always like Boiler's music)..but eileen was quite drunk tat nite..Janice joined us after the movie & we were quite pissed off wif some patrons there..cos there were a few times when a few ah nehs tried to come near to us..argh..we juz want to hav some space by ourselves so we were abit harsh on them =P..left the place ard 4+..shared a cab wif Jan back to his place..i juz msged him told him i goin back cos i assumed he wont be back tat early if they r playin games at Katong..so i reached le..took a shower & concussed in bed..think i was too tired plus i had too much of drinks tat nite since office hrs..he called me using tuatao's phone ard 7 told me his hp batt flat & he's reachin home soon..but i was too tired plus abit of hangover i fell back to zzz after puttin down the phone..he reached hme took a shower..wanna wake me up for mac's breakfast but i was too tired to even keep my eyes open..next thing i noe, its 1pm in the afternoon..omg..

Woke up ard 1+ on xmas day..saw his watchin tv wif wendy in the living rm..had carrotcake for lunch then rot on the sofa wif them watchin tv too..watched Batman Returns on HBO..but still i prefer Christian Bale's version..esp Dark Knight was a classic..wif Heath Ledger..i watched the show twice but i dun mind a 3rd time hahha..after that his parents had BBQ for dinner so we all had a heaty dinner..he seemed more relax on tat day probably bcos it wasnt a working day..he was playin ard wif wendy thruout the dinner & even dragged me in..so ended up both of us had bruises over the arms cos went overboard..diaoz..after tat joined angie watchin Transformers on tv & that was another show i liked alot..Shia Labeouf is cute & Megan Fox is chio..the robots r cool too..durin the show he actually was leanin on my shoulder most of the time..which is so not him cos usually he's always so aloof & cold at hme..after we finished the show..went shower & went to bed..next morn he woke up wif a bad headache so took morn half off..ard lunchtime woke up & he drove me to bukit gombak for my appt & he left for office..

After my appt, went back home & went to Qetesh for facial hahah i noe i m pampering myself too much lately..but i think i've deprived myself too much for quite sometime..its time to pamper & love myself more..brought my mum there too..after tat reached hme watch tv til i dozed off on the sofa..ard 12 i received an sms frm an unknown no..asking me where i m & its frm him..told him i m at hme..he called sayin his hp batt flat again..told me he left his fren's wedding banquet & a few of them went Boat Quay for some drinks..said he wanted to go back hme but worried tat he cant wake up the next morn for work..asked me if he had spare casual clothes at my place so he can stayed over at mine for the nite..i told him he can try my brother's..then he ask me to wait up for him he'll be reachin in 30mins..so i ended up watching Arsenal & Aston Villa's match on tv wif my mama..she was so frustrated cos the ball possession most of the time was wif Aston Villa..hahah..she juz love Ars too much to accept that..but Ars scored & lead the game 1st..frm the way they r playin..i can say..that nite, Ars was damn heng & Aston Villa was suay..ahaha..cos i dun think Ars played well that nite..b4 the 1st half ends he reach my place..took a shower & went to bed..told me to wake him up early so we can go mac for breakfast..but i guessed most prob he cant de lah..he looked so tired..so i woke up slightly earlier & call mac delivery for breakfast..so when he is done changin & preparing to go work, the food come juz in time..so after breakfast he left for work & i went back to sleep til late noon hahahah..shiok to sleep late..

Actually i've been wondering, he has been wantin to eat Mac's breakfast so often lately was it bcos of me..cos i always like Mac breakfast (mayb cos it was the little time when i was young tat my dad will actually bring me out for mac breakfast)..cos he told me b4 tat he dun really hav the habit of eatin mac breakfast..but bcos of me he always brought me for mac breakfast during the initial courtship..mayb it was bcos of me, or mayb it was juz a habit out of the yrs being wif me..well i wont noe..& i dun think i wanna think too much abt tat..juz as long i noe he cares..sometimes like wat my frens said..he dun love me the way i wanted doesnt mean he dun love me..he's juz being a MCP & doesnt express well wif his words..come to think of it..if he dun love me, after being thru so much, he wont still be here le..sigh.mayb at this point of time i shouldnt think too much on anything..i juz need to heal frm the past & be a better person..

2008 is ending..only a few days left..2009 is approaching..i really look forward to 2009 cos it signify a new start..its enuf being so depressed & emo for the whole of 2008..enuf of torturing myself..i've wasted a whole yr being so low & depressed..this is juz so not me..not the XXJ i noe..its time to let go of the past & hav a new start..i hope the start of 2009 will be a turning point of my life..i dun wanna waste my time being upset & emo le..enuf is enuf..i realized alot of times nobody is makin me miserable, its my own thoughts that made myself so miserable for such a long time..I dun wanna b a helpless victim of my own thought,but rather a master of my own mind..i can control my mind de..i can discipline my thoughts..i m not so soft to let them control me de..tat phase i did lose control was bcos i became weak..no more of that weak Juan..i allow the weak Juan to stay weak for too long..i was the one who allow it to happen..but in fact i can actually control de..but i chose to let go of the reins & let my thought run wild ended up hurtin myself wif all those silly thoughts..i muz start regainin the strong me & start controllin my mind again..2009 shall indicates a new start..& this time round i muz do it..

Slept ard morn cos was watching HK drama..woke up ard 2+ had my lunch & has been wrapping xmas gifts til now..wanna take a break so came online & blog..hah..need to pin down stuff tat happened if not will forget abt them in time to come..

Last wk was a bz wk for me cos of the advancing logs period for the coming xmas..well, for the long holidays i think its worth it lah..last sat went to watch Bolt & find the dog damn cute hahha..thruout the whole show i was juz awww-ing non stop..after tat met up wif shir & xiaomei they all for mahjong but shir was super late haha..as for sunday,i actually spent the whole day rotting at hme..was abit disappointed when he dint call but managed to accept the idea that sometimes he juz wan time to fire gaze & rot by himself..ard late noon relatives came over & my hse was like a marketplace..after they left i was watchin Superman Returns & after that Love Actually on channel 5..i rem i used to like the show Love Actually alot..bcos of the story thats simple yet encouraging..i've lost faith in love & r/s so watching this kinda show was actually quite heart-warming..

But i think due to the insufficient sleep over wkend i overslept on mon..was late for work & in a daze thruout the day..but basically was juz workin & workin..cos too much work to b done..for mon & tue both nites he worked late & by the time he called me i m already reaching hme..he oso went hme straight after work..so i start to think wah since wkend we havent meet..4 days le..doesnt he feel like meeting me? but try to curb the tots cos think he was really tired so i juz went ahead do my own things..i managed to pack my drawers & hope to squeeze out time soon to start tidying my wardrobe as CNY is approaching soon le..i need to get my room tidy up b4 mum starts complainin..

Wed as usual i went to work slightly late..whole morn crappin wif foo they all while working..time pass faster like this..til knock off time juz when i decided not to b waitin for someone's call & go do my own things, he called..asked me wat i'll b doin for the nite told him i wanna go buy things..then he said that he had 2 free tickets for the movie The Day The Earth Stood Still asked me if i interested in watching..i told him if free tickets why not..so agreed to meet at TM for the 7+ show..ard 7 he called me said tat he'll be slightly late as he cannot find parking lots so asked me to collect the tickets frm the counter 1st..at that time i realized those were not free tickets, he booked the tickets online..hmm..was pondering y he cant juz tell me tat he bought the tickets himself..was it juz a prank or he juz being MCP..anyway went in to watch the show..the plot wasnt really fantastic..but Keanu Reeves is shuai~ hahah..after the show juz left TM & went back to his place..nothing much..but b4 sleepin he told me tat he had a quarrel wif his dad at work..but i dint noe the details cos he dint say much..sigh..

Thur as usual late for work..WTH i've been late for work consecutive 4days!! gonna get warning soon if this continues..argh..but lately juz feel so tired to get out of bed every morning..think nowadays whenever i drain my body too much over the wkend spending nites not sleeping the repercussions come in next few days..signs of aging lah haiz..worked slightly late on thur & he called me again ard 6+ askin if wanna watch movie Ip-Man..i was like wah its been so long we went for any date & so surprised tat he asked me out for movies consecutive 2 nites..so decided to go for the show cos i had wanted to watch this show..Donnie Yen is really good as the character Ip-Man..i enjoyed the show more than previous day cos the whole show was really good..after tat we left the building & i realized tat he drove co lorry instead of his car..so asked him y..he said angie borrowed his car to sch so he drove ah fai's lorry..after that he told me tat he quarrelled wif his dad again..& he feel really tired & vexed..actually at tat moment of time i was thinking..is this the reason y he asked me for movies consecutive 2 days..mayb juz wanted time away frm work & his dad..but decided not to let my thoughts run too wild & be there for him..he said he dun feel like goin back hme..so i suggested goin over my place..he seemed so vexed yet i dunno wat to do to make him feel better..felt lousy at that moment..reached my place he juz had 2 cans of beers & went to zzz..haiz..in the end we dint really talk abt anything..

Fri morn woke up went to work..after tat dint hear frm him & i worked OT til ard 9+ that nite..called him & he told me later will be meetin overseas cust so i noe i wont b hearin frm him soon liao..initially planned to go back hme & rest early then shir msged me..so met up wif her at AMK hub to buy dinner then head to her sis place at Bukit Batok..her sis went holidays wif the hubby so shir has to go over & feed the 2 dogs, Dexter & Roxy..went there saw the dogs & Roxy gav birth to a few puppies..its been soooo long since i c puppies that r so young..went to touched & played wif them for awhile n felt really gd abt it..i juz love puppies & the feeling of seeing new born puppies is juz so miracle its so hard to describe tat feeling..after tat juz nuah on the sofa & dozed off til 5am in the morn!! i think i was too tired to realized tat..shir woke up ard the same time & she sent me back hme..reached my block had a short rest & chatted til ard 7 then i went back hme feeling so damn tired.had a shower then drop dead on bed ard 9..

Woke up ard 12+ on sat decided not to spend the whole day at home..went to CWP for xmas shoppin & i think i spent quite alot =( after tat called up Qetesh to book appt for facial & pedicure..went hme after shoppin for dinner then head straight to Qetesh for my appt..i dozed off during the facial treatment hahaha..after tat did the pedicure & lady boss chose a color tat i nv tried b4 hehe..tat nite juz nice her maid brought her baby gal over to the shop & i had a fun time playin wif the bb while doin pedi..she's such a friendly & bubbly baby tat the slightest thing we do she chuckles..i almost forgot that he dint contact me the whole day when i packed my day wif doin my own stuff..ard 8 then angie msged me tellin me tat they r having co event..i dint wan to say much cos i noe tat whenever its work i noe i'll b neglected..so juz pamper myself the whole day wif things i wanna do..felt quite gd actually..after tat head hme took a shower & started watching tv..he called me ard 12+ midnite..tellin me he's at hme havin some co event think was BBQ or wat i dint ask..told me he was abit drunk..asked me y were i lookin for him hrs ago cos i called him after my facial but no ans..he said he juz saw my missed call then i told him nothin much..told him i m at hme & he said he was too..i was abit sian so i told him tat he dint tell me abt the event how would i noe where he is..he said was too bz tat it slipped off his mind..sigh..then he asked if i wanna meet him i told him no cos i m comfortably in my bed liao..then we hung up the phone..was abit affected but juz decided not to think abt it & continue my tv marathon til morn..

Slept til quite late today but still feeling tired..later still gotta finish the few discs that mum rented so she can return to the vcd shop on mon..as usual on sundays he should be at hme restin so no news frm him yet & i decided to juz let it be..at times will think that last time he used to wan c me everyday..but now not like last time le..he's more focus on his own stuff..sigh..but i think i better dun think too much juz do my own things i'll feel much happier..well, mayb i need to think abt some stuff le bah..sigh..but well gotta tide over my bz pre-holidays work schedule 1st b4 i do anything..jiayou bah..tml will b start of a new wk..cheong in work~will be starting of a new yr soon..hope 2009 is a better one no matter in wat aspects of my life..

Was chatting wif HuiJun on msn..was saying that 2008 has been a bad yr for me & i m glad i survived..she asked me to list 10 things i achieved in 2008..i cannot do it..so she list for me..this is so funny..hahah..see wat she listed for me.. =P

The 10 achievements that HuiJun listed for me~hahaha

1st: finally not regret abt XX
2nd: u learned to doll up more

3th: u realised being with XXXX make u more emo

4th: u still can eat alot

5th: u make new frens - huijun n queenie

6th: u realise tt crying in a bus is stupid

7th: u realise the importance of the positive thinkings

8th: u still can win in mahjong

9th: u still can mix ard well with ur colleagues

10th: U can learned and be the one u wan to be

Went to Andy Lau's concert last nite..he's fantastic! i enjoyed myself thruout the whole concert..
I wan an Andox plush~ hahaha..

Had a long wkend cos of the hari raya holiday..met up wif PY last wed..for dinner & la kopi..missed the meetups wif her..by the time i reach hme almost 12 le..hahah..

Thur worked late..he called ard 6+ tellin me he leaving office..but i juz continue to work..called me again ard 7+ told me he meetin Borg to discuss some stuff..then i juz told him go ahead i goin back to work..he reacted in a way which i nv expect..he said "muz so fast put down cannot chat awhile ah?" hmmm quite not him..so chatted wif him for a short while..nothing much asked where me & PY went the nite b4 and how come i m working late..but halfway thru the chat Stanley actually walked past & teased me sayin "work lah dun talk on the phone" then he say nvm ask me go work..hahah i dunno whether i should scold or thank Stanley..after tat left office ard 8+ went TM to buy dinner & while waitin in the queue an Indian guy tried to strike a conversation wif me & asked for my no..i rejected & sms Janice & Yong to tell them abt it and as i expected they had a real gd laugh!

Fri was a rush day at work for me..cos of the long wkend we've to close more logs..but i managed to finished everythin ard 7+ & left office..was still wonderin how come he dint contact me for the whole day & he called frm office..told me he still in office asked me where i m..told him i m at Tamp then he said called me back later..so i went ahead to do my stuff & ard 8+ he called again..asked me if i goin anywhere later i said no then ask him wanna meet mah..he said ok but he sick & tired goin hme..so ended up i da bao to his place & slept early that nite..

He's supposed to wake up at 7 on sat but he asked me to wake him up at 630 so i guessed he might hav wanted to bring me for Mac's breakfast..but frm my guessed i noe its not possible to wake that heavy sleeper up de..so i tried once ard 6.40 he dint wake up i juz let him sleep til 7+..after tat i went hme & after a shower i was bored so i continued wif Heroes S3..watched til ep 8 finally noe wat teh hell they r talking abt..cos S2 was a flop & early eps of S3 were in a mess..took a 2hr nap after lunch & decided to join pet society cos HuiJun was so so strongly recommending it haaha..& thanks to her i found another way to pass time..& the game is soo cute..was playin wif it til i really forgot how fast time flies..cos when he called me at 7+ i dint realized the timing at all..told me he juz left office so we met up for dinner..had dinner at the place beside SIM for 纸包鸡..after that head back to wdls & he asked me wat i wanna do..i asked if he wanna go for a movie he said ok..but after tat i changed my mind cos i c him still feeling unwell..but still he insisted to go for the movie but he wanna rest awhile in the car..so i went to guardian to buy med for him..back to his car he already dozed off..seein him like tat i juz let him sleep..while i played my hp games..while waiting a actually broke my game record! this is funny..he only woke up after hrs & asked how come i dint wake him up to go movie..well,i dunno izzit bcos i m understanding or i juz feel guilty to drag him watch movie when he's feelin tired & sick so i decided to let him sleep for hrs without disturbing him..after tat i feel tired & juz decided to go home..

Sunday was my cousin's wedding dinner at Mt Faber..i woke up in the afternoon..played & chatted wif HuiJun on Pet society til late noon then i started getting ready..she said i muz dress up nice & pretty hee..initally wasnt in the mood cos of the strain that my parents were hoping him to go for the dinner wif us but he dint wish to..but decided not to think abt it..juz doll up & go for the occasion..reached the place & saw alot of pple whom i've seen b4 but cant rem their names..i m like wearing a mask when talking to them..pple praised that im gettin prettier & a guai daughter but for me the only thing that i was hopin frm the praises was for my mum to feel proud..i noe how much injustice my mum suffered when she was younger frm this side of relatives..so i told myself i muz be a daughter that can make her proud in front of these pple..& i think i did well..
During the wedding, i realized that i m not looking forward to getting married at all..& worse i do feel a little fear abt this issue..wats wrong wif me..to hav lost faith & hope in this..i hope i can regain the faith in time to come & be happily married then..

After the dinner, uncle ah bee & uncle ah lam jio dad for karaoke & drinks..their wives oso urged my mum to go..so as their daughter i followed them along cos i noe my mum will b bored i can be there to acc her & my dad wil get drunk if i dun help him wif the drinks..ended up at Shenton Way ktv..& i think i drank more than 10 mugs of beer..i lost count after the 8th mug i think..he dint msged me the whole day til ard 1am askin me how was the dinner?probably he was afraid of my parents asking him to join thats y he waited til that hr to contact me..sigh..told him the dinner was ok & me wif dad they all for drinks..he said he's watching tv & cant get to sleep juz like the nite b4..i told him to get some rest & went back to my drinks..ard 3+ he msged me again asked me where i m..but i only saw the msg half hr later so replied him that i m still outside wif them..after tat no reply frm him oso dunno izzit he dozed off or wat but i was quite high at that pt of time liao..reach hme forced myself to bathe & concussed straight on bed wif my hair still wet..that was 6am..duh..

Slept til 2+ in the afternoon..woke up feeling groggy cos of the late nite yesterday & the dunno how many mugs of beer i drank..decided not to waste my day rottin at home so went to rebond my hair..chose a neighbourhood saloon cos cheaper than the usual Kimage i went to..msg him to tell him but he dint reply until 5+ told me he was sleepin & watchin tv now..that he msged me ard 3+ last nite cos he cant get to sleep..hmm was wondering wat can i do to help the nite b4 actually..when i m outside wif my relatives..asked him to rest well since its a holiday then i went on wif my rebonding session..

Reached hme juz in time to watch the last ep of 心晴大动员 hosted by Christopher Lee & Quan Yi Feng..ended up crying while watching the show..not only i emphatize wif the pple in the pgm, i oso felt damn guilty for not makin much effort to make my life better despite my having more than them..they r such strong warriors fightin the obstacles in their lives..i really really hope that i m courageous enuf to start afresh soon..the past has no power over us..the past is over & done..it doesnt matter how long we've had a neg pattern, the point of power is in the present moment..i need to choose to release the past & forgive everyone,myself included..i may not noe how to forgive, n may not want to forgive, but the very fact that i said im willin to forgive begins the healin process isnt it..it is imperative for my own healing tat i release the past & forgive everyone..well i noe easier said than done..but i muz force myself to kick bad habits rite..

Oh ya got to talk wif HuiJun lately..who say EX's ex cannot be frens?hahahha..we can click quite well cos i think somehow we've similar personalities..but she's much more positive than me in life..she said that she's goin to be my mentor in healing heehee..& shared wif me alot things frm the past..well, pple may not seem as wat they r even though u might hav known them for many yrs..haiz..anyway, its over..i had a really bad 2008 when i spent most of my time in pain, tears, anger, hatred & all neg stuff..i hope that 2009 can be a fresh start for me..& a better year..jiayou!

This is how i look like on sunday before i went for cousin's wedding..keke..

Did a personality juz now..tis is the result..

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Dint sleep well last nite..woke up after 3hrs of sleep cannot get back to sleep le..was bored so went up to my blog & started reading entries frm the past..got damn affected cos i realized that i used to hav happy memories that i pinned down in my posts..but recently no more..all my entries r depressing..i realized i only blog when i feel depressed nowadays..i no longer hav happy entries..cos i feel that good things wont last..when i started this blog i wanted so much to pin down everything in my life..be it good or bad..but why izzit that now everything i c in this blog is negative..til a point that i think whoever fren reading my blog will worry for me..

I tried to put the blame on him..for not showing enuf affection..but when i calmed down & ponder abt it..i realized he did put in his effort in his own ways..might not be the way i wanted, but def he's doin something..so y m i still feeling unhappy? somehow or rather i think of the core value & philosophy in my life tats making me feel this way..since young my mum shaped my value this way.."when good things happen to me, i start getting defensive, will try not to be too happy abt it, in case something bad happens, i can take it" but wif this thinking, i noe i'll nv be happy..recent spates of events grew my this value even more..when i come to realization, i noe i can no longer put the blame to anyone..i noe there's a prob wif me, wif my values in life..& the fact that i m aware of the probs lie wif me, i feel frustrated wif myself..i can nv be happy this way isnt it..how long do i wan to continue this way? is there anything i can do wif my values now? was chatting wif her over the phone ended up crying cos i was so frustrated & angry wif myself..the frustrations r not towards anyone else but me myself!..why izzit i noe where the probs r & i m not doin anything abt it..

Reached home kanna as a venting object by mum again..she dint cook dinner so i decided to have cup noodles & i m perfectly fine wif the idea..but when she noes i wanted to settle dinner by cup noodles she started saying things like "dun think i dunno that in ur mind u muz be thinking how come i dint cook", "muz be thinking how come ur mother is like tat useless dun cook rite", etc.. hello i dint even say a word other than greeting my parents when i reached hme..i m really so tired after 10+hrs of work & the almost 2hrs travelling back..i juz wan to hav a quick dinner & rest tats all..

all along no matter how much she takes me as a venting object (even she herself admitted cos i nv retaliate), no matter how much my frens tell me that i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, i juz tell myself that she's my mum & i'll juz giv in to her..ever since i can rem, think frm kindergarten, i nv talk back to her, nv quarrel wif her..no matter how often she rant at me juz bcos my dad or brother made her angry & i became the target of her vent, i'll juz keep quiet & let her say all the nasty things even though i've done nothing at all..shir & jan said i m spoiling her & allowing her to treat me this way, & i m doin her harm cos actually when someone juz keep on ranting neg stuff the person dun feel good either..i really dunno..but somehow i juz dun bear to raise my voice at her cos i noe how much hardships she went thru bcos of my dad..

Today, i think i did slightly retaliate..i told her "nobody said anything abt u not cooking, its all ur own imagination tat anyone ever said that" think she was taken aback oso..i dint mean it but i've to let her noe that no one is complainin abt her not cooking tonite..why does she always hav to feel that the whole family is not satisfied wif her..i think mayb its the genes..in my family, pple like to think neg stuff to make ownself suffer..

I really wan her to b happy..stop being so neg & always think at the neg stuff..i noe i dun hav any right to say her cos i m a neg freak myself at this point of time..but i really hope she can do it..i m always the guai daughter at home..no matter wat happens i'll try my best not to make her worry, i nv throw tantrums at her, i let her vent her frustrations on me whenever my father or brother do things to make her angry..i really dunno wat else i can do le..alot of times really feel so 委屈 that i feel like crying..she'll nv rant at my brother so everytime he does something that upset her i noe i'll kanna in due course..when i was young, i admit i was jealous of my brother..why is it that my mum dotes on him so much tat no matter wat he does she'll nv scold him..but as i grow up i think i came to compromise wif this already..but somehow i still get hurt when she throw tantrums at me when he made her angry..i dun feel the jealousy anymore but i still can feel the hurts inflicted on me everytime she say nasty things or throw tantrums at me when i did not do anything at all..

I m secretly hurting in my room now..i dun feel like telling anyone at this moment..but i need to let it out..so blogging become my alternative..sigh..pathetic soul..
I better go get a gd rest tonite & wake up fresh tml..dun wanna end the nite shitty so think i better adjust my mindset..cos i m XXJ..i can handle anything de..

Oh ya..better rem wat moquack has been reminding me to do..look into the mirror & say
1) I m pretty (10x)
2) I m happy (10x)
3) I m strong (10x)
I noe it sounds silly..but if it helps me feel better..why not? =P

I've to control my emotions & discipline my mind..Why do i always for nothing let my mind run wild..Its NOT healthy for me at all! Why do i always like to think of negative stuff & make myself so miserable..Is self-pity my habit?? If i assume that every problem in my life is a lesson to make me stronger then i'll nv feel like a victim isnt it?? How foolish for me to punish myself in the present moment bcos someone hurt me in the long-ago past!

Sometimes i really dun feel like talking to anybody abt wat thoughts i've running in my mind anymore..cos i find myself a nuisance..even though i believed that a real listener hears me even when i keep quiet..Why m i so cynical, skeptical & perssimistic always..Do i believe that an advantage of habitual perssimism is to protect one frm genuine despair? Am i such a true cynic that expects nothing more frm life than confimation of my disappointments?

I think alot things r only lovable when we've conquered bitter disappointments in them..
Sufferings indeed strengthens.........strengthen the strong la! am i strong enuf to tide thru everything?

Had a chat with Jas over msn..she told me abt an incident regarding her admin gal..her admin gal is a woman who divorced twice..recently got a new bf & brought him to their company dinner..& to Jas surprised, the guy is her gf's husband!! WTH!! that guy is married to Jas fren yet now went to a company dinner as someone else bf!! knn!! now Jas in dilemma dunno whether to tell her gf anot..she said sometimes ignorance might be a bliss..She went to ask her gf how's her marriage..Her gf told her that the husband always very busy..go home only once or twice a week..rest of the time he working & sleeps in office!! but in fact the guy is actually quite free, always go meet admin gal for lunch lah go stay over her place!! having an affair is already wrong..this is worse than an affair!! he's not really goin home for the wife & already dare to introduce himself openly as another woman's bf!! this is more than an affair already its starting of a relationship!! WTF!! why cant men juz be faithful & good to the wife..why muz they go out & fool around..They nv thought of their wives' feelings at all!! grrrrrrr!!

Frens, if ever one day my future husband is being unfaithful to me..pls tell me..cos i believed that i rather noe the truth & leave a heartless man than being blissfully ignorant abt his affair outside..

Winson saw my name on msn & asked me how i am lately..he's in US now..should be missing his wife alot..told me that his fren saw his ROM pics & said that i m pretty & we both concluded that my photos r deceiving..hahahah..Kun said the same thing to me oso..said his fren said my pic on FB & commented i pretty..but Kun told him straight in the face that its deceiving hahahah..omg..my buddies really noe me well isnt it.. =D ok i should have more self-confidence~

I scorched my hand yesterday morning..a stupid reason for the accident though..grrr..i got 4 blisters on my right hand & i cant even hold a pen n write..the pain was so bad that i felt like crying..but the moment i tot of the featured pgm i watched the nite b4 abt this lady who met with a freak accident & lost all her 4 limbs but still carry on living life gracefully, i told myself i have no right to cry over such small issue.."有什么好哭的，烧到手而已嘛" at least i still hav my limbs..i can still feel pain & i can still heal..i forced myself to go to work..bear with the pain & did everything wif my left hand & i survived thruout the day..the feeling is very good..to noe that i m actually strong & handling everything well..

I watched a featured pgm abt this lady who lost all her limbs after a freak accident..She was so down but she managed to survive thru the phase..she live her life strong & positive..i really salute her for her courage & attitude towards life..she said when she was out on streets pple gav her stares as if she's some kind of monster (inconsiderate Singaporeans!), but she'll look back at them & smile..cos she's brave to face it..i feel so ashamed,cos when i get stares frm strangers on streets the 1st tot tat came to me is "is there something wrong wif my face?is my dressing weird today?" but i nv took it in a positive way..pple might b staring cos i look good? (thick-skinned hahah) she's so brave & positive in life given her condition now..wat am i to feel depressed over wat happened..wat i went thru for the past yr is NOTHING compared to wat she went thru..so i told myself, wake up the idea, i muz live life strong & positive..i've no right to feel depressed over small matters..there r so many less fortunate pple ard, i should cherish & count my blessings..

Met moquack at CWP when i reached..when to buy medication for my hand..got a cheap $3.50 gel frm chinese medical hall..had a chat abt life & some recalls of the past..both of us were amazed by how strong a person i used to be (we chatted abt how i survived the illness when i was 17) & moquack almost wanted to strangle me saying that i managed to survive such an ordeal many yrs back how can i let myself fall so low for the past few mths bcos of r/s issues?? n by recalling the past i really felt that i was so bloody strong in mind then..so i told myself..nothing minor is gonna bring me tat down again..i muz really find back that me..i noe i've been saying that so quite sometime..but somehow i think that featured pgm & the recalls of the past somehow is like a wake-up call..knock some senses into my head..i m gonna take control of my life again..i will & i can do it..the whole of yesterday i was handicapped on my right hand, alot pple offer to help me stuff be it at work or after work..but i insisted to do everything myself even though it was tough..moquack said i m stubborn but somehow i feel good to be able to do things all by myself not relying on anyone..that was the old me isnt it? i m gonna keep this going until it becomes a habit juz like tha old me..its such a good feeling~hee..

Juan is goin to live everyday positively..smile more..worry less..take control of my life..i can do it & i will do it.. =D

I m in a freaking state of PMS-ing..i feel bloated..i feel lethargic..i feel the emotions thingy out of control again..why why why~ i hate this feeling..as if like i've no control over myself..i snapped at the taxi uncle who gave us attitude few days back (which i think scared Jan & Yong who were in the same cab wif me)..i snapped at a guy who tried to ask me out for concert..i snapped when i noe there r last min pull-outs at work on friday..i snapped at almost everything! argh izzit my problem or i m juz plain PMSing? will everything be back to normal in a few days time? i feel murderous & will kill the next person stepping on my toe..

I dun wan to be emotional..i hate this feeling! the more emotional i get, the lesser control i have over things..& this is so true..I need to be able to live wihout something in order to have it..Once i can let go of alot stuff, i m in a greater position of greater power..Why do i let feelings of insecurities hit me again! grrrr! for instance, he calls me everyday right after work, meet up wif me almost everyday, nothing is wrong, but still i feel insecure..I think he's right at times, he said alot times he really dunno wat to do to make me feel better..i agree wif him too..actually i do enjoy my time wif him,nothing happen but i juz will get struck by tinge of insecurities super easily..i feel myself so screwed up emotionally..i hope Jan is right..things will start get better when the PMS symptoms subside..i m still waiting..

Things being in a constant state of change, i need a healthy attitude towards letting go of old things & embracing the new..To create a healthy flow, i've to let go of stuff i dun wan..this applies to habits, old clothes, junk in the closet, unhappy memories & the list goes on..I need to let go of all the stuff i dun wan, wont use & dun need! I think my greatest problem is holding on to things that i dun wan or dun need & memories that caused me pains..i dun need them! but y m i holding on to them! my frens r right..i m somehow too stubborn to let go of things..which at the end of the day i m the only one suffering..nobody else will suffer if i hold grudges, feel angry, not forgiving, etc..i m the ONLY one suffering..& sad to say i brought these sufferings upon myself isnt it? Foo told me that day, life's too short to get unhappy & brood over past unhappiness..i know~ i really know~ but i juz dunno how to start doing it..one day i may feel perfectly fine & happy wif life, another day even nothing happens i'll sink into depressed mode..is this typical gemini character?

Actually our lives is a reflection of ourselves, the more love & beauty that we perceive, the more we r growing & the more we r becoming..So i need to instill more positive thoughts into my mind to replace the negative ones..i need to..i need to..

Jan got a book named "His needs Her needs" I juz read the content page & find it quite interesting..will get the book frm her after she finished reading..

Contents

1) How affair-prove is ur marriage?
2) Why ur love bank never closes
3) The 1st thing she cant do without - Affection
4) The 1st things he cant do without - Sexual Fulfillment
5) She needs him to talk to her - Conversation
6) He needs her to be his playmate - Recreational Companionship
7) She needs to trust him totally - Honesty
8) He needs a good-looking wife - An Attractive Spouse
9) She needs enough money to live comfortably - Financial Support
10) He needs peace and quiet - Domestic Support
11) She needs him to be a good father - Family Commitment
12) He needs her to be proud of him - Admiration
13) How to survive an affair
14) From incompatible to irresistable

Juz had a shower..feeling quite tired..havent been sleeping well lately cos of the toothache..went to see the dentist last fri..took x-ray & checked but no tooth decay..dentist said 2 possibilities causing the toothache..one might be bcos of me grinding teeth too much when i sleep which caused pressure on the tooth, another is due to recent sinus infection that affects the connected nerve..both is possible cos i do grind teeth when i sleep esp when i m stressed or tired & i juz had a sinus infection nt too long ago..prescribed me wif some painkillers asked me to observe & go back review in 2wks time..i m finishing the painkillers but the pain dun seem to go away..grrr..

Past few wks been bz at work..more logs wif lesser time to do..but think i m still managing fine..well, i survived mr foo's 3wks reservice period wat is this to me..hahah..he better not see this post if not i can predict him say "ok, 20 logs for u this wk~" keke..think i m much more efficient when i m not chatting on msn or skepe.. =P

Hmmm..its been 2wks since we back on talking terms..initially i was already on the verge of letting go le..i stopped calling & msging him..when he called, we dun really talk..when he initiate to meet i dint wan to..i thought this would be the last straw for us..cos no matter how hard he tried i juz seemed to shield everything..i m juz too drained & tired abt everything..until that sunday..he tried so hard to get me out to meet up..eventually i soften & agreed to meet up..his attitude towards me soften & changed a fair bit..the moment he saw me he hugged me real tight & sayang me like how he used to be when i m sick (actually i was still sick when we met lah) told me he missed me alot for the past few wks when we did not see each other..actually at that point of time i dint noe how to react..think i reacted still quite cold to him..sigh..after tat,everyday he'll call me & chat wif me after work..somethin that he hasnt been doin for the past 1yr..oso try to meet up more wif me..last wkend he even initiated bring me out for a movie..went to watched CONNECTED at downtown east..tat was our 1st date this year!!! felt quite nice actually..and he actually cooked porridge for me on sunday..been quite sometime since he cooked for me..all along i thought that we can never go back to the same again..esp after so many things happened..cos i feel insecure really easily & no faith in relationship..still trying out but dunno wat to expect..shall see how things go..

I rem during one of our talks last wk..we both realized that both have been unhappy in this r/s for the past half yr..he told me that there were a few times he had the thought "要不然一次过痛啦" to let go of me..but he juz 放不掉..actually i m the same isnt it? so many times i told myself to let go, start afresh, but eventually i'll soften..L is right,i do hav soft spot for this man..but can i still take it if anything were to happen again? i oso dunno..but i noe everytime things happen, the shield built is thicker & higher..wont be ez to break the shield..seems like he's trying & i m too..i hope i can cos i dun wanna be cynical towards men & relationship..

Recently, i tried to be less attached to anything be it him or wat & i realized tat i m getting better..when one is not too attached to anything, life's much easier..i dun do stupid things due to paranoid & he dun do funny things to make me anyhow think..life's like normal..when he knock off he'll call me straight, tell me wat he's doin & alot times will initiate to meet up wif me..when we meet up we'll talk abt wat happened during the day even though juz the gist of it..at times he'll try to tease me..everythin seems ok..but i m abit scared..cos i dunno how long this will last..the negative side of me keeps wanna pop out..i think there's still a part of me couldnt let go of the hurtful period i juz went thru..so even things r good,i'll keep thinking abt the things that happened during tat period of time & get upset..i noe this is not healthy holdin on to unhappy past..but i juz cant seem to let it go..i noe it can be done, but i dunno how to start..mayb its my mind state tat determines..when im in better state, things will juz fall back in place..

Read a number of quotes frm books recently..find a few really meaningful & i hope to learn frm them n to start changing my life..i really had enuf of the low & negative me..even though i feel that i m starting to get better as compared to the past few mths,but i think the progress is too slow..when its too slow,i can be easily throw back into the low phase again if anything happens..so i kept those quotes in mind & try to remind myself how to get better..

Some quotes i read from books:

* Usually,the best place to make a new start is where u r! Before changing ur address,consider changing ur thinking! When u change,ur situation changes.It is law.

* We all fail.But it's not failing that hurts.What hurts is knowing u dint give ur best.

* The moment u get too attached to things,people,money...You screw it up! The challenge of life is to appreciate everything & attach urself to nothing.

* Next time u r upset,remember it's not so much pple who make u angry,as ur thoughts abt them.
Whatever thoughts r causing u pain,they r only thoughts.You can change a thought.

* The more emotional u r abt things,the less control u have.

* Where did we get the idea tat if we dun forgive pple, they suffer?! (i like this one cos i think i've been harbouring alot anger & hatred in my heart for too long)

* Bcos we r always attracting the learning experiences we need,we often attract wat we fear.
If u fear loneliness,u'll attract tat. If u fear embarrassment,u'll fall on ur face.
It's life's way of encouraging us to grow.The only way to beat fear is to face it.

* When ur body hurts,pain reminds u to take a rest,or maybe to change ur shoes or to find a better way.
When ur mind hurts,pain reminds u to quit worrying or to be more forgiving,or to think in a different way

* The happiest pple dun worry too much abt whether life is fair or not.They juz get on with it.

* If u think the world is against u,it is.Blaming other pple doesnt work.
When u fight life,life always wins.

* If there is something in ur life u dun wan,stop worrying abt it & stop talking abt it!
The energy u put into it keeps it alive.Withdraw ur energy & it will likely go away.

* To see things differently,u dun need willpower,self confidence or brain surgery.You juz need the courage to think the unfamiliar.Ur beliefs determine ur quality of life.

* Nature seeks balance,n u cant be desperate & balanced.Life doesnt have to be an endless struggle.Let things flow.

* Simplify ur life.Quit doing things out of habit.Eliminate some of the garbage frm ur routine so u can see ur path more clearly.

* Ur life is a perfect reflection of ur beliefs.When u change ur deepest beliefs abt the world,ur life changes accordingly.

* Start everyday with an intention to be balanced & peaceful.Some days u'll cruise thru until bedtime, and some days u wont make it past breakfast.
If peace of mind is ur daily goal,u'll get better & better.

* The law of the seed: effort + patience = results.
U reap ur harvest after u do the work.

* If u dunno wat u like doing,maybe u stopped listening to urself years ago.
Many of us become different pple in order to please everyone else.

* When life is sweet,n that little voice says: "It cant last!" Tell urself: "Maybe its abt to get better".

* Peace of mind doesnt come frm having less problems - it comes frm being less critical!

* Loving pple means giving them freedom to be who they chose to be & where they chose to be.
Love is allowing pple to be in ur life out of choice.

* In order to have something in ur life & keep it - whether it's a job or a relationship - u have to be comfortable with it.

* To find,u have to seek.
If u've lost ur life direction,u probably wont find it between drinks at the local bar.
Give urself a break,give urself some time & space to examine what counts for u.

Company had corporate event yesterday 10/10/08..Theme is The Toughest Race after TARA3..well,judging fr the theme we noe its not ez job haha..all of us will be arranged in team of 6 pple & we wont noe the name list til b4 we set off for the event..

Went to work in the morn clearing my mon EA1 & PH logs..got them done by 11.15 & lunch (BurgerKing) came in ard 11.30 hehe..saw the name lists..there r Victor, Angeline, Christine, Jorshlin, Aaron & me..ermm other than aaron i dunno the rest of them! omg! was abit worried cos dint noe how well i can click wif the rest..teamwork is very impt for the event..Foo consoled me ask me not to think too much..juz relax & enjoy the games later..

Got changed & headed down to the lobby to gather..saw my team members n find them familiar (juz cant call out who is who hahah) Victor is frm HongKong & leading our team..Hippo bus came & pick us up to destination Sentosa..On the way when i saw the glaring sun i noe jialat liao,sure become roasted pig..saw Cheryl in bus & both of us decided to apply more sunblock lotion hahah..reached Sentosa ard 2 saw the weather feel like juz faint straight & drop out of the game haha..its was freaking hot..but Victor tried to encourage us..telling us even we dun aim for No.1 at least dun be the last team..so we all decided to do our best~

The host gav out instructions for the game & after Ricky's speech we started the game..Team leaders r supposed to burst balloons to get the clues inside the balloon for our next station..the 1st balloon tat he got was "Sorry pls try again" omg we almost fainted..2nd attempt for the balloon was fruitful..we got an alphabet puzzle & got the clue 'Palawan Beach'..headed there & saw marshals..the task was to fill up a waist-tall barrel filled wif small hole to the brim frm the sea water wif a small red pail..Victor did the tough job of fetching the water & the rest of us responsible to block the holes not letting the water leak out..we try to find alot stuff on the beach to try block the holes..but it wasnt enuf..we oso used the ponchos given to stuff the holes..& towards the end all of us used our hands, knees, etc to juz block the holes! i was drenched even its only the 1st station..we managed to complete the task & got the clue for the next station..

We got the ans & it lead us to the 'Songs of the Sea'..At this station there r 80 paddle locks locked to chains & there's a box wif 100 keys (20 keys r not even the ones that can open the locks!) so the rest 80 diff keys to 80 diff locks! gosh! we've to unlock 3 locks within the given time & only 3 of us can try at the same time..i think i was the lucky charm for the team hee..i unlocked 2 locks & out of the 2 locks i managed to unlocks within total of 10 attempts! even the marshals said that i m lucky..i replied "i think i was a professional thief in my past life =P"

After that we got the clue that lead us to the Luge ride..we've to take the thing up, take the Luge ride down,along the way down there'll be boards showing numbers & maths signs..we've to get the sum n minus the yr our anniversary is..actually i m abit afraid of heights..was wif angeline on the way up & i almost freaked out..she's very sweet to put her one arm around me to calm me down & the other hand holding my arm..keep asking me to close my eyes & comfort me by talking to me..i even leaned on her shoulder =P keke..but thats so sweet of her..finally got to the top & each of us took the ride down..we all got the ans rite & got the clue for the next station..

Next station is to find the beach opp "Silk of the Sea" & i think i m really heng..or cos i was hungry..The signboard of the restaurant actually caught my attention when we walkin to our 1st station..so i immed can point out the location & we managed to save alot time..hee..reached the station & this one is to kick a soccer ball into the desinated goalposts..we've to get 3 balls in & cannt be repeated members..i tried the 1st time the force was too small..but on the 2nd attempt i got it in!! omg my atheletic kick still runs in my blood isnt it? (u all better stop saying i dun exercise cos i used to b sporty when i was schooling many yrs back :P) got the next clue for the next station but this one we took sometime to decipher..cos it was juz filling in blanks wif a few available alphabets..ended up was something related to volleyball so we headed straight to the hippiest home for volleyball enthusiats..at that point of time my legs start to hurt liao..ouch..& we r heading to the toughest stage of all..they buried pingpong balls under the sand (3 whites & 1 orange) we've to dig out either 1 orange or 2 whites within 20mins to get to the next stage if not there'll be a penalty of 10mins stuck at that station..we dig & dig & dig for more than 10mins under the hot sun n we couldnt find anything! til a point i actually act kelian & asked one of the marshal can giv clues roughly where the location of the pingpongs mah..initially he said cannot tell then i was like trying my luck continue asking while digging..n he finally leaked out softly tat its ard the place i m digging..and voila we found the 1st white ball..time was running out & when all of us lost hopes thinking we'll get the 10mins penalty..we found the 2nd white ball on the 19th min! phew! by the time all of us feel like dying liao..got the clue & some water frm the marshals..

next one is to find something in the dragontrail..at this pt of time my feet hurts like mad le..think i got blisters..found the entrance of the DragonTrail but oh dear it was a LONG flight of stairs up..i hate to climb up stairs but no choice..struggled up & got to noe that we 've to solve a crossword puzzle..clue is "5 titles u'll see in frames everyday" we dint get the clue right so we tot was any 5 titles of the shows on our channels..got them wrong few times til we finally realized that they r implying the posters they framed up in office that we can see everyday..phew lucky we all had some ideas & solved the puzzle..

After that got the clue of "animals within mosaic tile, look beyond the merlion" quickly headed down to the merlion walk & saw the next stop..this station is to use a tool they gave..plastic cups tied to the end of a bamboo pole, to catch the water splurting out of the small fountains n fill up a 1.5l Coke bottle..angeline & aaron did a great job & we managed to do it within given time..& we got the next clue which is "please head down to Cafe Del Ma" we were hysterical!! we made it!! that place is the end point! we were so happy that we ran down to the nearest tram stop & board the tram..

Reached the entrance of Cafe Del Ma & ran all the way in to the end point where Allan Wu (TARA host) was at..the whole team hav to jump into the box on the floor to declare we r all in at the finishing point..Allan Wu asked if we noe how we fare..we dunno..so now he declared "Congratulations! u r team number 7" wooo we managed to make it 7th position out of the 20 teams..happy..cos Stanley they all always tot wif me the sick in the team sure will be last de..but i fared better than alot of them wahahahahah..

Immed after knowing the results we juz find the nearest sofa & rested..i took off my shoes & saw 4 blisters! omg no wonder the pain was so bad..got our bags back & the gals decided to take a shower at the toilet..lucky we came back quite early dint wait tat long for the shower..but alas i forgot to bring towel! wtf! ended up i took alot toilet papers & went into the shower..Joanne was laughing so loud to c me do that..after the shower felt fresher then head back to the Cafe..realized that alot pple down during the game..Helen Goh was injured..Kelly fell & the knee swollen..Celia even got a heatstroke & blackout..oh dear, can we like hold the company liable..hahah..the buffet came & i was super hungry..i actually ate 2 shares i think..really eating alot to replenish all the energy lost during the game..ended up sitting wif Foo, Celia & Kelly they all..while eating they r showing the slides of pics taken during the game..it was funny to c those candid shots..& foo as usual wif his lame jokes that made me laughed til cannot stop ah hahahh..too bad few of my sisters nt attending the event..it'd hav been more fun wif them ard..

Actually the Sentosa trip does remind me of some stuff wif him..esp when we passby Rasa Sentosa, Luge Ride, Merlion Walk, etc..got abit affected but decided not to think abt it..
after everything we walked back to the big carpark to take the coach out of Sentosa to Clarke Quay..decided to meet them up at Robertson Quay..but i reached earlier & guess who i met..my brother's fren YiAn & YiQuan..had a short chat wif them & while waiting for my frens i went to the bah kut teh store nearby wif bro frens ended up gossiping hahah..finally Dav reached & called me so endedup we decided to go O bar chill out..after that went up to dbl O & there r hell lots of pple last nite..think mayb SAF payday alot of regulars there? so sian..dint really enjoyed myself cos i was super tired & drained frm the whole day event..left earlier ard 12+..

Now its morning & i can feel my whole body aching like mad..i wonder how long it'll take to recover..and i m like 3 shades darker sob sob..i dun like my tanned look..but no choice i was under the hot sun running frm like 2pm to almost 7pm! drained~ super drained..think the sweat i persipred yesterday is more than wat i had for the whole of this yr..gosh..anyway think i better stop..mum cooked noodles for me..i m gonna eat & go back to zzz..i need alot of rest.. =D